NaBloPoMo #1

I've been meaning to do this for a while actually, if we use the word "a while" very loosely.  I saw Tia do it on Clever Girl Goes Blog (her blog was featured on blogger aaaaages ago).  Basically, it's an attempt to write a blog post every day for one month.  As April only has 30 days, I thought it would be easier (by one day) and inflict people with my rambles a bit less.


The theme is "big"... although, I might not stick to the theme often.


So.... the word itself.  I am afraid of being big, as in size wise.  I always had it drummed into me to eat enough food for my daily activities (i.e. sleeping) otherwise I'd get ill easily.  I think that this is partly the reason why I am so afraid of putting weight on.  Sometimes I go through phrases of being okay with my weight, and others not so much.


As silly as it sounds, I compare myself to other people, and I know what my natural body weight is/should be.  I know we're meant to put on weight during our lives (~1lb a year, according to the Framingham Study) and I'm still in line with this normal weight gain.  I just don't want to gain any unnecessary weight for no reason.  I feel unhealthy when I weigh more than I normally do (think of it like an inbuilt thermostat/centre of knowledge) and I know that sometimes when I feel tired, I am drawn towards processed sugar containing foods, like chocolate, for an instant energy boost.  And that's bad.


Because there's so much media influence, I am reluctant to admit that I am susceptible to the media.  I do think I could be thinner.  People like me often sometimes have a distorted image of themselves (body dysmorphic disorder?) and they don't realise their actual size.  So maybe I don't realise my size either.  I try to dress in a way that doesn't accentuate my body shape (and thus it's probably no wonder I think there's no skinny jeans that'd fit me out there!) so people aren't bothered by it.


I mean, I dislike it when people tell me what to do with my body, like they know what's better for me than I do.  It's all very well for someone to say, "eat more", but they don't know why I feel like this.  To be honest, half the time, neither do I.  I'm scared of becoming fat, scared of reaching the next stone in weight.


Apparently, I look healthier with more weight on (as in, 1/2 more kilos)... people who've not seen me in a while say this to me sometimes.  I don't want to be curvy.  I don't want to be built.  That's not my style.  It wouldn't fit how I look.


Ooh-er... this is what it says on wiki!

The DSM-MD defines body dysmorphic disorder as a preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance which causes clinically-significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. However, BDD may involve an actual defect that's slight, but the sufferer constantly obsesses over it. The individual's symptoms must not be better accounted for by another disorder; for example weight concern is usually more accurately attributed to an eating disorder.

That doesn't sound fun, does it?


PS.  Not much going on in my life.  Not feeling all that well :'(