i want my money back, just enjoy the show

I am most definitely not "one of the boys".

Doing Repro meant that I spent a lot of this past year with girls, and we formed a quite tightknit group (some of us anyway).  People still group together, even when there are new people introduced into the same class.  And so it became natural talk to discuss celebrities' outfits or gossip, because they'd be more likely to have an opinion or know something about it.  It gave me an outlet to complain about things that they would understand and be sympathetic towards.  But now I have some very good friends and have restrengthened friendships.  Lots of people seemed to hate their BSc's.  I thoroughly enjoyed mine.  However much I complained about Repro, I did love it.

And now hanging out with two of my closest friends, both of whom are male, feels different.  They talk about computer games and consoles, and.... boy things.  It makes me more aware that they definitely do not see me as one of the guys, and I wouldn't want to be seen that way.  Maybe it's just because they've not seen each other for most of the year, and so have strategy recounts to tell each other, or that some new console games have come out....

I can quite happily live life without ever having a console.  Yes I used to play Call of Duty like, once a month, but almost a year ago.  I wouldn't rush to go play it.  I never pretended to be any good.  To be honest, I spent most of the time looking at the tables and chairs in the rundown houses and shops.  And I only express a want to go and play it so that I can do this again, look at the tables and chairs and shops and trees, in the context of spending time with my friends.  Playing it seems to be a very solitary thing, when you play alone, even when playing with other people via the internet.  I'd much rather spend time with my friends in real life, rather than online.

Separately, the friendships are still the same.  But collectively, it feels... different somehow.  In a way that I can't explain.  I don't get these Call of Duty references, and I don't understand or care for battle plans or who killed who when and how and why at this time in this way without this thing or with this thing and they got this score or this medal or this.... whatever.  I just don't care.

But maybe it's my intolerance and impatience with computer games.  I mean, once I was in Giraffe, and there were three people on the table behind me.  There was one guy, and two girls.  Throughout the whole of my stay in Giraffe, the two girls talked and talked and talked and talked, and ignored the guy.  Is that what I am becoming???  But how understanding can I get when I have no interest or have nothing to contribute to the discussion other than "you should get a girlfriend!"  And forget this, "find me a girlfriend, then" return.  Go and find one yourself.  Significant others do not grow on trees.

But this is what they enjoy, and they have every right to talk to each other about it.  I guess I just don't like it when it dominates the conversation and then it becomes the fallback for a conversation topic.  The sink for all my complaining, gossip and ranting has told me several times that I should stop hanging out with them and get new friends.  (to be fair though, it was after a lot of complaining, and he tolerated it well)  But they're my friends.  I couldn't do that to them.

I can't work out what has precipitated the change, either in myself or in my friendship.  I was never one for calling others out when they are making me upset or annoy me; I think that in order to improve oneself as a person, it's really important to understand the effect you have on others, without them having to tell you.  And whilst I might actually do it too, in that I might ignore one person in the group conversation in order to talk to another about something they have a very limited knowledge of, I would like to think I did it without knowing.  So I would like to apologise if you've ever felt I've done that to you.  I'm not going to make an excuse, I'd just like to say sorry.

Every week, I have two sets of OSCE tutoring, and both are with close friends of mine.  I am so glad I get to see at least one repro girl a week.  Otherwise I'd probably go mad from too much boy time.  I need girl time too.  And I have come to value it much more, because at least then the conversation is equally dominant between all people.

found via google images