i've got a rock and roll house

Not blogged much recently; study is taking a big priority, and I've just been so tired recently. On a critical care placement at the moment, which I am really enjoying, but I want to give a higher priority to my own study.  Met one of the coolest consultants ever whilst helping on a BBA course.  I got to have fake make-up applied to me, which made up 15% total body surface area burns.


Critical care is very interesting: almost considered it as a career, but I am not sure that it's for me to be honest.  Ward rounds at 8am are killing me: I have no idea how I left my house at 6.30am to go to my GP placement back in January, or how I stayed up for 38 hours for labour ward, but clearly I have been spoilt recently, as waking up at 7 is tough :(


Went to see Pirates of the Carribean 4 on Friday: Rotten Tomatoes had given it bad ratings, but usually I pay no attention to ratings.  I prefer to make my own opinion of films.  I enjoyed it a lot: the storyline had a lot of threads that came together at the end and there wasn't much backstory to a lot of the new things introduced, to be honest.  As a continuation of the third film, it doesn't really follow much at all except the map of the Fountain of Youth is in it, but it works as a standalone film.  Characters are meant to progress right?  There were a lot of funny lines, a lot of cool effects and it made for an interesting film.  Thought I spotted Amanda Seyfried as the mermaid but Wikipedia tells me I am wrong.  It was Gemma Ward. :(


Feel like I'm being pigeon holed into my film likes.  Went to see POTC4 with 2 of my friends, and they expressed surprise that I wanted to see the new X Men film (First Class).  I've seen the triology and I want to know what happens. Okay, of course I know what happens but I want to see how it pans out.


The reply was that I'm not into comics, which is true.  I would be the first to stand up and say comics don't "speak" to me like books or films do.  I mean, I watched Iron Man + Iron Man 2, Spiderman 1, 2 and 3, all the Batman tv series and films - okay, I can't currently think of any more comic book characters that have films - without knowing any of the back story at all.  (okay, except the first Batman film.  But that's because all the main bad people get together and do bad things to Batman and Robin.  Oh how times have changed.)


Apparently, I have a funny knack (note: FUNNY) of summarising film plotlines into one or two lines (according to the boyfriend).  I mean, maybe I just look for things in films that other people don't care so much about.  So yes, maybe people are right to know already what kind of films I want to see (it's worked so far.  Never seen a film I did not enjoy.  Except Burn After Reading.  That was rubbish) but most of the time, if I can't find someone to see a film with, I'll just wait and download it.


I think I just need to see these "guy" films with my boyfriend, like X:FC, Captain America: The First Avenger, Spiderman 4 : he's read comics in the past but is not totally au fait with the whole goings on so at least I won't feel stupid for not knowing who is a comic character and who isn't, and who is related to who, and also I enjoy his mocking commentary of adverts a lot and how they falsely represent whatever they are trying to advertise.  I am not saying girls can't enjoy them too, by the way.


I have complained at length at how I don't want to be seen as "one of the guys" and how sometimes I feel singled out as a girl, AT LENGTH, in the past.  I wrote about 5 paragraphs about it in this post, and then deleted it.  It's all there somewhere.  When I feel like this, I just say something about it to my boyfriend, and when he was away last year, I made a second blog (which is still up) to write about my feelings more freely.


On a more cheery note, I got gifts!  Made my night, it did.


Carol xxxx


PS. by "much", I mean more than a paragraph and "live".  Most of the time, they're prewritten from weeks ago.

the key that opens holy doors

Just found out there's a school reunion, of my sixth form class, in a few weeks.  I won't be able to go because of school and stuff, but I am not sure I would want to.  There are some people I would dearly love to see, and some others who I am indifferent to.  Sixth form, particularly the latter months, are a bit strange.  I can't remember if I have ever written about this here before, but when I chose my intended career path, it was for quite a few reasons, unlike my other friends, whose parents/family members were already in this field.  I didn't want to be tied to any assumption, I didn't want people to think, oh she's Chinese, she's got to do this career.  I did lots and lots of experience in order to find out what I wanted to do, and in the end, I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do!


Thinking about it now, I am not sure what other degree I would have loved to do, to be honest.  I loved French, and all things French.  I don't understand English people's animosity towards France, partly because I wasn't alive during the times when Britain had issues with France, partly because I don't believe my country deserves to be better than France and partly because I love the French.  (I keep meaning to write about why I like French things so much, maybe one day.)  I had a love for languages, although I had a huge fault which is reflected throughout all my language learning experience.


I had a lot of friends at school - I am not being boastful.  A lot of people had a lot of friends.  (You know you did.)  Some I was close to in some years, some not.  The way my school worked was that in the first three years, you would do all the subjects together as a class, and then when you chose your GCSE options, the four classes in each year would be divided firstly by common subjects so those who did certain subjects always ended up in the same group, then by ability (Maths) and then randomly.  I maintained close friendships with a few people throughout my school career, and then normal friendships with others.


There were about 15 girls in my group (I went to an all girls' school) and I was close with about 6 of them.  Some of them were because we did the same subjects or very similar subjects.  We have all chosen the same career path, but I feel like it might have been a detriment to any lasting close friendship.  It was quite hard, because I was the very last one of this group to get a university offer (except the Czech university, which I believe I never formally declined....) and so whilst they were making plans for university life, I was left on my own (figuratively) to worry about my future path and what I would do next.


I worry that if I were to see these particular friends again, there would be some sort of hidden agenda type rivarlry, with trying to tell stories to one-up each other.  I have no interest in doing so, I don't regret any decison I've made so far about where my life is going. I won't be swayed by stories of other cities and other universities.  As far as I am concerned, the university I am at has given me so much and continues to do so (even though fellow school-goers do not express the same opinion).


I feel like there might be silent judging; what else would you expect with a class of around 70 girls?  Some people have gotten to exciting places, others may not.  Some have fallen off my radar and I have no idea what happened to them after we left.


A couple of girls I still count among my best friends; we keep in regular contact even though meeting up is always difficult.  They've been through a lot with me, and I truly respect them.  I would love to be able to see them at the reunion!  One of them has been my friend since I started that school, and we would always have our crazy ideas together.  She saw me through my crushes and I through hers.  I miss her a lot.  We haven't beenout for ages.. I'm still studying and she's almost a language assistant / serveuse at Disneyland (I think the latter is a summer job?)  She brings out my ditziness and a bit of recklessness, I would say.  The other of my best school friends has always been, and remains, very wise and very knowledgeable and practical.  I went to see her recently: she is making a very interesting living working for a branch of the government in a lovely part of the country.  She is very independent, and I admire her very greatly.


My girls' school had a boys' school counterpart, across the road.  Lessons weren't mixed when I was at school, but I think they became mixed in the year below me, for only a few subjects.  Sixth formers were allowed in each others' common rooms only at lunch, but some boys and some girls went to the other's school during free lessons or breaks or whatever.  I was alright friends with some of the boys, in both years.  (Sixth form is made of two years, year 12 and year 13, or as they were known as my school, Lower Sixth and Upper Sixth.  We had an old fashioned way of naming the years)  I do not know if the boys' school is having a reunion actually.  I met up with one of my friends, which I mentioned last week (?); we went to the same school, although he was there from all the way through, and I joined in year 5.  I'd heard about him, and to be honest, his infamousness, and we became acquainted through a mutual friend, who was going through a bit of a self destructive period.  In some ways, he is exactly the same as he was a few years ago, and in some other ways, he is different.


So these three people I have described are the ones I like to keep in touch with.  I respect them the most, in their own way, and they have helped me learn a little more about who I am, whether they realise it or not.  I keep going on about how I don't regret anything every once in a while (hey, if you don't like it, don't read it) which is one of the most important things I have ever been told (life lesson wise).  Each of these three people have helped show me that this is true.


Of course there are others I'd like to see, and equally, there are some girls I feel indifferent towards as I wasn't close to them.  It's such a contrast; I used to have loads of female friends at school, but now at university, I feel as though I don't have many girl friends, but more guy friends / acquaintances.  This is partly due to demographic.


Part of the reason I love watching Gossip Girl is that it reminds me a tiny tiny bit of a very overblown and exaggerated version of my school.  But mostly, I miss the school environment.  I miss lessons with teachers who would go off topic, I miss being asked, "isn't that right, Carol?" every two minutes by my Physics teacher.  I miss how everything seemed so simple then, and everything seemed within our grasp.  I miss how silly I used to be, and think once in a blue moon about the mistakes I made.  Every once in a while, when I look at my facebook newsfeed, I see news about a girl I went to school with.  But I wouldn't want to go back to a situation similar to my school.  I led a very sheltered education, (if such a thing makes sense).  The teachers always encouraged us, and never let us believe that we couldn't achieve something (which is a good thing, I know).  A lot of the good teachers are gone now, and a few years ago, I went back to the school.  So much had changed.  The whole school comes under one name, and is split into 5 schools across a fairly sizeable bit of land.  There is a mixed Kindergarten (nursery / year 1 + 2), a boys' junior school (whose years were named oddly, after Latin words!), a girls' junior school and a boys' senior and girls' senior school.  The sixth forms were attached to the respective senior schools.


Whilst I miss a lot of things about school and the things it taught me, and how different I was then, I don't really miss the old me.  I made mistakes that both allowed me to see who were my real friends and who weren't.  I learnt firsthand what the power of gossip could do.  A few months ago, I went through the posts I had written on my blog, and took steps to delete all my past online blogs (I only joined blogger in November 2006.  I deleted all entries until October 2007, not because it is a time I don't wish to remember - I had some fond memories, but because my writing style was so disjointed and there was a lot of personal information.  And whilst I may have made mistakes during that first year, I do not regret anything.) although some of them were about my time at school.  I wrote a blog about my style of dress once, right?  I was known for dressing a particular way - I won't really elaborate here - I'm not being boastful; every girl had her distinguishing feature.  I suppose I was one of the ones who could get away with any style of dress.  Yes it was always appropriate.  And centred around pink and black.  How emo of me.


One of the best memories I have of sixth form (most of what I have written so far is about my time at sixth form, which is totally different from senior/high school) was when we went on a "school trip" to London, without teacher supervision.  For some reason, the teacher couldn't come, so we 5 went off on our own, joined by 3 other girls who didn't take the subject of the focus of the trip but were there to enjoy the social aspect.  I go back to the places we went to over 5 years ago, and think how much has changed and what memories I still have.  Like how I got excited that Jude Law waved at us.  To this day, I maintain that he DID, and in all honesty, I'd still be excited if he waved at me right now.  Like how I held Matt Dillon's hand (wikipedia him).  Like how my friend blinded Pierce Brosnan.  Like how I tipped half a tub of Bailey's ice cream into a bottle when it had melted.  Like how I got told off by a lady at the Lancome counter in Harrod's.  Like how we'd have midnight conversations that lasted ages.


Coming to university made me realise what a big change life was taking, and it forced me to grow up in a way that I feel that some people my age and/or in my school year currently have not.  Whether or not I act like an adult, I would like to think I have matured a bit, learnt (some) common sense (I was known for being ditzy, and still am) and learnt a lot, both about life, studies and mostly, myself.  Of course everyone changes at university: it is one of those things that is bound to change you.  Some aspects of myself have definitely changed, some have subtly changed and some have not at all.  Some have just been enhanced by my time thusfar at university, and some dulled.  But I wouldn't want it any other way.


Carol xxx


If you truthfully made it to the very end of this very long post, having read everything (although, I'm not sure why you would want to.  I hardly read over my own posts myself!) you are now at liberty to ask me anything you like about anything I have written in this post in the comment section.  If you know me in real life, please feel at liberty to ask me in real life.

two can keep a secret if

In reference to my twitter, I locked it for a while, so I had time to go through it and remove tweets pertaining to my friends / personal information, and to avoid any drama.  Now satisfied that I won't post anything with anything that would easily identify my movements / where I go / what I do etc.  Still unsure about protecting the tweets though (that's what it is called)... I am a bit mercurial about this point.  I need direction.


I feel that being at university, it sort of prolongs your state of not grasping the full concept of what it means to be an adult.  I have mentioned before that I see adult life being one where you pay taxes, and have a pension and are making serious decisions about the future.  I feel like that phase of adulthood is coming upon me soon, and so it's lead to me bringing up the topic of the future with people, and where they see their lives going, including where they want to live, how many children they want, what they want to do in the future.  My stance is that it is nice to daydream about things that have not happened, and to be prepared.  It won't do to have a life in front of you that you have not really thought about.  But... those decisions seem so big and so far away, and recently, some friends and I have been discussing it.  Mentioning no names, there is someone who doesn't want her future husband to have his own bank account, and she wants a pre-nup saying she will get a major portion of his future earnings.  I relayed this to my boyfriend, who said she will never get anyone to marry her if that is what she truly believes.


Surely it makes financial sense to spread your assets and keep your own bank accounts, but when marriage happens or if a very steady state of relationship is assured and marriage is not necessary, you could set up a joint account, but also keep some of your monetary assets elsewhere.  Her thinking makes no sense.


Over the past few months, I have encouraged people to 'get married soon', in a half jokey half serious but that kind of thing is a serious commitment.  I could never imagine getting married more than once - although this is not a certainty in this day and age - so I want to be sure before I do get married, and though I encourage people to think about marriage in their future, I want them to be sure, and also to be happy with whoever they marry.  Starter marriages are becoming more and more common, because that ideal of the happy life with a happy family is being pushed on us more and more by the media.  I feel like films depict a false representation of what it is like, and people rush into what they think is their ideal future, without really thinking about the consequences.


A little bit glad it's been getting sunnier; spring is truly here when you really cannot predict the weather.  I am always one of those people that goes out dressed unprepared for the weather, such that I am too cold.. and then I have the radiator on full all the time in my flat and so feel a bit too hot.  Have been having bad headaches recently, aggravated by the light :/  I've been having bad headaches and bad dreams every day for about a week now.. not so fun.  I think that it might be because my mind is too active in the day, and I probably do not eat properly, particularly when my boyfriend goes away.


Been having a very productive week - been looking for a new skincare routine for quite a while: I keep adding to it, and seeing how things go, and I stay with the same brands.  Saw this thing in one of those free London magazines a few months ago about the best things for different requirements of skin care, so been doing my research and finally got some things. I still amn't sure whether it's weird that I buy anti-ageing things: I have been doing so for about 3.5 years; whether or not it has made any difference is unknown.  I had a consult a while back, and things seem to be going alright?  I don't look too old yet!


Finished O&G this week... it's been one of the best clinical attachments, where you bring new life into the world and are fully involved in every step of the patient's care.  I have enjoyed it so much, but I am glad for a break now.  The hours were not amazing, staying awake for 30+ hours three times in 10 days makes you feel rubbish, it turns out.  I have no idea what I was existing on, as my diet suffered during that 10 day period so badly.  Your body only has a limited supply of glucose and glycogen, right?  So I must have been using up my fat, and therefore losing weight.


Was at a friend's house: he has a balcony and it's nice to sit out there when it's sunny and when the sun is just setting.  We always have interesting conversations: I like to converse with people who are open to talking about topics I talk about.  I can talk politics, economics and current affairs to a limited extent, but I prefer not to air my politico-economic opinions because it just gets into murky waters where people judge you for believing a certain thing.  I like to have my confidante (is that even a word?)  Sometimes it helps me to process things by talking out loud about them (with the ever recurring phrase "d'you know what I mean?") or writing about them.


Feel like I haven't blogged for quite a while, nothing about my life anyway.  There has been music and fashion and pictures but nothing about how I have been.  I mostly blog when I feel sick or when I am tired and can't really concentrate on study, and then save the posts so sometimes you see a load of posts posted regularly.  Guess I've been a little down recently, tired and whatnot.  I always put on Just Dance by Lady Gaga - it never fails to get me dancing.  I love it! ♥


Excited about the new Gossip Girl episodes.. only 5 left in this season.  And there's some way I can download BBC iplayer things without needing to watch it via bbc... watch this space.  If it works, I will write about it!  Been in a very talky mood... my boyfriend says that it's because I learned to talk early, so that I could get my opinion across.  And ask for cake...


Been listening to The Pierces recently; they have a very haunting and old-school style to their music which I can't quite put my finger on.  They sing about quite varying things but very well.... Sort of folksy-rock.


Anyway.  Enough rambling!


Carol ♥
xx

isn't this a pretty advert? (from google images)

simple but so true

sometimes me think, what is friend?

then me think, friend is someone to share last cookie with

~ cookie monster

(picture from google)

"life is partly what we make it..."

When you say, "friend", what do you mean by it? The term is used very loosely sometimes nowadays, because of loosening of relationships, people meeting other people... people talking to each other online as well as in real life.  It just made me think, do we all mean 'friend' in the same way?

There are so many synonyms for the word 'friend' that I suppose the most common and the most easiest term is said.

• acquaintance
• colleague
• comrade
• association
• and so on...

The all knowing online encyclopedia, Wikipedia, says that in a friendship, you tend to want the best for the other person, you can sympathise and empathise with them, you're honest even when it's hard to tell them the truth... you have something in common and you understand and trust them... and I think, most importantly, that there is reciprocation.  It is not a one-sided thing where one person puts in all the effort and the other just reaps the benefits, but both parties act equally.  Friends don't expect payment for the things they do for their friends (Cicero)

I think that the rise of social media, whether it's myspace, facebook, twitter, instant messengers.. it's changing the way friendships work.  Through these online profiles, you list a lot personal information which might lead someone to think that they know all about you and that they are your friend, just by being your online friend.


But we use the word 'friend' oh so loosely nowadays.  Such that... an acquaintance is, rightly as Wikipedia puts it, someone you enjoy having lunch with and they tend to be your social networking friend but you wouldn't rely on them for emotional support.  People use the word 'brother' and 'sister' to indicate someone who is just like a sibling to you, and you would do anything for them.. but I am reluctant to apply this term to anyone I know.  What's wrong with just the word 'friend', and knowing what you mean when you say someone is your friend?

"... and partly what it is made by the friends we choose "

~ Tennessee Williams

the new adventures of an engineering graduate

This is the second post about blogs I like reading :) Maybe I shall create a new label.  Anyway.  I often do not use names for people I know on this blog.  We live in a cyber-connected world, and I try to anonymise most of the people I write about, and make as private as possible my personal details.  But it will become obvious when you go to her blog; we are friends and on each other's blog rolls / read list thingies.

http://eskimimii.wordpress.com/

This blog is quite new, and is the second version of a blog she had before.. I suppose for a new change and a new direction.  This one mostly focusses on job hunting endeavours, eco-friendly ventures, fashion and seeing friends.  I like reading her posts, as they are always short and to the point, a contrast to my rambling :)

remember when my hair was this long.... and your hair was like this? :)

C xxx

i've been looking for a new direction

Eagle eyed and avid readers will notice that quite a lot of blog post titles come from song lyrics, and sometimes the relevant youtube video appears in the post.  This has been something I have done ever since I started this blog, over 4 years ago, although there has been an obvious move to different types of posts.  The statistics tab always amuses me... to some extent, I can see where my readers are from, and how they got here to reading certain posts.  I was not aware that people in the Netherlands like to repeatedly refresh the page...  And it confuses me somewhat about how people come by this blog.


Been catching up on Gossip Girl.  This season (season 4) is split into two halves, where the first one is where Katie Cassidy plays a character who tries to get revenge on one of the main characters, Serena, but it is resolved in a most extraordinary and unbelievable manner.  To explain it would involve a huge backstory, and you probably need to watch Gossip Girl all the way through - I don't feel it is a show where you can just start when you like.  This half revolves around the sale of a company belonging to one of the other main characters... maybe Gossip Girl is just riding out its successes in the past and coming up with poor plotlines.  Gossip Girl doesn't even feature anymore.  And megavideo is annoying.  I watch 15 minutes then the clip insists I have watched 72 minutes, the grand sum of my daily allowance.  Does anyone know how I might bypass this interference?  I suppose I could just download the episodes....

Of late, P and I have been watching Sherlock Holmes, which was on TV in the 1980's or something.  We've only watched four episodes, in about 2 months.  Anyway, they are very good - the actor who plays Holmes, Jeremy Brett, is considered to be the definitive Sherlock Holmes, with great command of facial expressions and perfect eloquence, despite the fact he had speech issues in his youth.  I have come up with theories about how each episode pans out (as each is unrelated to the next) and they are always totally wrong.  Maybe it is just my imagination.  The solution is always logical and just requires some thought.  I quite like it though - the story lines are always very clever, and interesting.  It is more than people being murdered or crimes being committed.  Watson also appears to be at Sherlock's beck and call, appearing to have no job of his own.... he claims to be a doctor, but really, is he really?


I was 'speaking' to a friend through the medium of e-mail about something I feel passionately about... in the past, I have alluded to ideas of eating disorders and psychiatry in general, and why I find it interesting.  It angers me that people still take such a negative view of a medical speciality, and it offends me even more that people whose opinions I care for fall into this category.  I know that you can never get everyone to agree with you, or to see your point of view, but it is a little callous especially when people have had indirect experience with the result of a psychiatric diagnosis.  It made me annoyed, so I wrote an email that took me a long time to write - which is silly.  Normally, I just write like I speak.  It comes out a little rambly, and I don't delete many things, save huge grammatical or spelling mistakes.  But I found it hard to phrase politely and succintly what I was trying to say.. a loss of eloquence / loquacity is a sure sign of that "difficult to phrase" feeling.

One of P's flatmates is trying to woo a girl he likes, and has been trying for some time now, and has failed spectacularly.. or so I feel anyway.  He is Canadian, and perhaps it is just his loud and brash manner that is preventing their potential relationship from forming, and he is too much in the friend zone.. having missed his opportunity.  I don't claim that I am good at relationship advice, and relationships in general.  I have never asked anyone out, I have never been on a proper date, I have never really followed any conventional rules regarding relationships.  But it provides great storytelling when this flatmate tells us of his endeavours and the new ways he is trying to get her to like him.  It seems to be a little bit high-school.. well, more than just a little.  When we were in high school, I suppose relationships are made by the communication between what seems like two camps.  The girl's friends and the boy's friends exchange messages from the girl and boy and somehow they co-ordinate a date.  It's even less than high school.  Maybe middle-school / early teens.  It just seems so childish, looking back.  P has told me a lot about his university pre-London life, and there, girls used to just date every guy in their friendship group, which I find totally bizarre and something I could just never imagine doing.  But nevertheless, whatever my feelings are about P's flatmate's personality etc, I still hope he ends up with someone.


Going to Southampton, just for the day, this weekend - one of my friends lives near there and she works for a branch of the government which reports on data (or something?) and has a contract to work there for 2 years, and then will move to another part of England to do a similar thing, again for 2 years, and so on.

It will be lovely as I have not seen her properly for a long time and I have never been to Southampton.  I also have a very restless feeling inside, and I have had it for a few days - when I sit down to work, I can only concentrate for a few hours at a time and then I need to get up and do something else, and then perhaps I might return to it later on in the day / evening / whatever.  I can't really describe how I feel.. it just feels like a restless feeling (like akathisia is a syndrome marked by subjective inner restlessness... except it's not as extreme as that.  I have no weird movements) and for some reason, I feel that going to see my friend will help.  I think I have been working myself too hard since I got back to university from the Christmas holiday.  I worked really hard over the holiday and I guess never really had an extended period of time when I could just do nothing (extended being a few days...?) partly because I had a lot to get through, and partly because I feel guilty when I haven't done something productive work-wise that day.  Even though this will be just one day - hopefully it will be enough.


I need to learn to relax properly.

apparently these are real - this Dutch man treats the roses with "natural pigment"....
(from google)

xoxo
C

pieces of good news

Good news, good news all around!!!

1) I have been selected to be one of the 'givers' on 5 March 2011, for World Book Night.  It's a move to distribute 1,000,000 books across the country to get people reading.  There are 25 titles in all, and the one I am giving away is 'Life of Pi'.  I hadn't read any of the books, but I had heard that this one was particularly noteworthy.  To apply (back in November or December), I had to state why it was this book in particular that I wished to give away to 48 people.


I forget the details now, but 'Life of Pi' revolves around a boat story, and I know one of those already.  For those of you who don't know, basically the 'boat story' is the story of how my parents got to England.  Over the past few years, I have become more and more interested in my family's lives, and what it was like before I was born.  This 'boat story' moved me when I first heard it, and it still does every time I tell someone or I hear it.  And I thought that I could help to move others, as they share in the 'boat story' in 'Life of Pi'.  Now I have to figure out a way to distribute them.

2) P and I are very slack on gift-getting, and have decided to renew our Valentine's Day gift amnesty. (Why would you pick one day to buy your loved one a gift?  Surely if you loved them, you wouldn't need one day of the whole year to make extra special effort?)  I got my Christmas present! Finally.  I have conflicting ideas about gifts, but I picked these out myself which is probably why I love them lots :-D Our gift exchange involved online shopping, so whilst I still have overvalued ideas about things girls should have as they pass into adulthood, I picked things out from one website only (not my idea).

3) Organised a Chinese New Year dinner for my friends and I last weekend in Chinatown.  It was surprising that people turned up for a celebration of something most of them don't celebrate, compared to turn out for people's birthdays.  Anyway, I wore my cheongsam, which P bought for me in Hong Kong - apparently it took him a long time to find.  I was and still am one of those people who loves to wear new things as soon as I have bought / received / got them, but even I know there is a time and a place for a cheongsam.  Now I need to figure out a way to work the kimono into my normal socially acceptable wardrobe.  Hm.. National Foundation Day is in a few days.....




4) It is Chinese New Year tomorrow!

新年快樂

Xīnnián kuàilè

Carol
xoxo




all images from google

never had much experience in chasing ladies

Hello!  Life has gone by very quickly these past few weeks.  I finished my GP rotation; it was in over an hour away from where I live.  Had to get up at 6 am on numerous occasions... but it was very enjoyable; I got to do and see lots and lots :-)  I suppose that beforehand, I didn't really have a strong view about GPs and what they do... I always thought they saw coughs and colds, but spending time in a GP practice helped me see that's not really at all true.  GPs actually can't do all that much to treat the common cold / flu but they see such a wide range of patients; it really made me rethink my previous opinion of them.  The lifestyle is quite attractive as it allows you to be slightly flexible with work and also have a family life.  You also have to think quite quickly and be sure in your own judgement and trust that judgement too.  Very interesting.

Had a significant event analysis thing today as a debrief to the GP attachment, where we talked about paths of least resistance, the line between a professional / personal relationship, violent / aggressive people and medicalised people who might expect favours. I suppose that first I viewed the SEA as a bit of a waste of time, but it was whilst I was sitting in a GP consultation that it made me think, this case makes me a bit conflicted.


Afterwards, R and I had a lively discussion about various things.  It happens every once in a while and I always come away only remembering two or three or the things we talk about?  But I always come away thinking that we did have a good conversation.


Other than that, not really been up to much else.  I've been so tired lately that I've not had energy to write about anything or do anything much other than nap or do the coursework for the GP attachment.  Bought a ticket to see my friend in Southampton... bought a ticket for LFWE.  Finally got P a Christmas present and picked out things I would like.  Been listening to Taylor Momsen's band, The Pretty Reckless a lot recently.  Her fashion taste has much left to be desired but her voice is something different.. and I find it hard to match up the person I have seen grow through their teens via Gossip Girl and the trashy dressing girl with a smokey rock voice.


Carol xx

jour quatre : le défi blog 30 jours

Day 4 - your favourite photograph of your best friend

see this post


and this one

I have several best friends, and cannot pick one, but there is definitely one I tell the most things to :)


This post is a bit of a cop out as I have covered it elsewhere!!

Carol

Want to see more blog challenges? Cliquez ici :)

there's something going on anywhere i go tonight

It has been a very full week this week, and I've been really glad to have a lie in :-)  I don't even know what it has been, but this week just seems to have been very hectic.  I am a little sad my Psychiatry attachment is over in 2 weeks; it seems to have flown by.

One of my friends spent a lot of money a few weeks ago for several reasons - nothing bad - and we were talking about money management, in a sort of roundabout way.  He told me he had £80 to live off for 12 days, and wasn't sure how he would manage it.  I am not sure if it is due to my thriftyness or frugality (?) but I am fairly sure I could manage on that amount for that length of time? (rent excluded)  Non rent shaped money just goes on travel and food, and then entertainment related things if there is money left over.  I just didn't understand why he thought he wouldn't be able to manage on that amount for so short a time.  Maybe people spend a lot more than me on things in general.  I buy lots of supermarket own brand things because it's cheaper and often it is a lot healthier too, but it still comes to a normal amount that you pay for food - I think I just buy a lot of it.

I try to budget every week, and unless I need to buy a travelcard for the month, I usually manage alright.  I would not say that money is there to be spent, and I do not think that experience of having no money makes you more likely to spend it more.  I do NOT come from a rich family, whatever things may seem like.  My family does NOT have much money, and the money that I do have has come about from lots of saving, and not buying expensive things, not spending more than I need to on things and being smart with investing.  Money I have to spend on things I like comes about from me budgeting for myself, and being strict with myself about spending on certain things.

So whilst I might /want/ a Vivienne Westwood purse or a bag from ASOS or whatever, these wants are mostly fleeting, and I realise it would not bring me much enjoyment from buying these things, as I could have spent the money better.  I do think that growing up in an enivronment where the importance of money is made very clear from a young age is hugely beneficial - the things I have wanted / needed in the past that cost a bit of money have come at a price.

Whilst I sometimes lament the fact that I don't get physical gifts for my birthday or for Christmas, I then think that there isn't anything I would want anyway.  Now I am (in body) an adult, I feel as though I am responsible for buying the things I want for myself, and so I usually only ask for things from my parents rarely, and if I can't afford it, or if there has been some special occasion, like A Level results.  But not receiving physical gifts is fine now... I haven't gotten anything for Christmas for 5 or 6 years now, except gifts from P... I like getting gifts but it does not bother me that I don't get things.  I would never ask for something from my parents for Christmas, unless it was something I /needed/ as opposed to 'wanted'.  For the things I like, if I feel as though I can afford it, then I buy it for myself, as a gift for myself.  I bought my own birthday gifts, I can buy myself something little for Christmas.

Christmas is becoming more and more and more commercialised every year, and soon children will only associate this time of year with getting gifts, rather than what it actually means.  Because I am not a Christian, the Christmas period now means a time when I can go and see my family - a rarity in itself.  I value that significantly higher than any physical thing I could ever receive.  I don't like how stores are putting out their Christmas things out so early, trying to get people to buy things.  Christmas is NOT about spending crazy amounts of money.

Without the need to preface this paragraph, as I think I have addressed it elsewhere, I don't like to be told, 'oh, you won't like 'x' because you're a girl'.. well, why don't you ask me my opinion first before you assume what I think about it?

And lastly, hope you're all well!  Time for bed now!

Carol xx

there's a story

Things have been very hectic recently, but it's not so bad now.  Nearing the end of my Paediatrics attachment, which has been very good, to say the least.. I think I will miss it quite a lot.


I have been eating a disgusting amount of cupcakes recently too, counteracting my healthiness.  Every day, I thank my lucky stars for my fast hummingbird like metabolism. I am very much looking forward to the next few weeks, for various reasons.. work, friendship, fun times and relationship related.  P is coming back 3 weeks today, which I am really excited about.  Partly for the gifts, partly for the companionship and partly for the someone to share things with when I feel sad or annoyed or have gossip. (of which I have lots??!)  A and I are going to LFWE, where we have ideas of buying one or two specific things... Hope it works out!  I have plans to see friends soon, some of whom I have not seen for ages, some of whom I have many things to tell....


Been recently splitting my sides laughing at youtube clips of Ellen DeGeneres.. she is hilarious and I can't believe she is over 50!  She looks so young!  Stayed up last night til midnight watching some of her clips, even when I knew I had to get to bed.  I love her.


It's September, meaning it's UCAS application time (for my international readers, UCAS is a national scheme through which we apply to universities and colleges here in the UK) which sometimes causes stress (!)  I have been mentoring this girl, S, whose PS I read two or three days ago, and made a lot of suggestions to just before I wrote this post.  The more I read different PS's, the more I wonder in amazement at exactly how my PS was any good.


I really appreciate it when my friends ask me to stuff they are planning, even if they know I wouldn't usually go for that kind of thing.  Even if they know if I am not free or will say no, it is still courteous to ask, right?  I would do likewise.  So thankyou xx


Carol
xxoo

Dear Maria Count Me In, All Time Low

(ignore the last 2 minutes)

we are two worlds apart

This week has been interesting, to say the very very very least.

Spent a large part of the early part of this week having fun Paediatric learning times with some really good doctors and there was generally lots of good chat too. (!)  I don't particularly want to go into any specifics, but it was a really really great start to a week that I had mixed feelings about.  Spent time in the Special Care Baby Unit, and in Paediatric A&E, and on the main paediatric ward, as well as not looking silly in handover.  I feel less scared of Paediatrics now; at first it was a little bit overwhelming and in particular Carol fashion, I had a huge panic at the beginning, thankfully not witnessed by anyone.

It is a little bit of a shame that the attachment has been shortened, but all the same, I think the holidays mini-breaks consolidation weeks will be useful indeed.  I have residency these next two weeks, where theoretically, I'm meant to be resident... but living not that far away counts as being resident, yes?

We had lectures on Wednesday, which were well delivered (two of them, at least) but they were about depressing topics.  I love walking back in the sunshine.  Because I have black hair, it absorbs heat like nothing (I have to take breaks from blowdrying my hair because my hair gets too hot and burns me) but it feels good when it's sunny.  We had a really interesting conversation about divorce and general culture differences.  I like that I have friends who are from different cultures, and also that I have something to contribute.  A lot of traditions or superstitions that I still uphold / maintain / believe in are sometimes things that I don't realise that I'm doing and so I don't realise that it might seem a bit unusual to some people.  For example, placement of things and doing certain things on certain days.

About divorce.. I don't believe in it.  As in, I would never marry someone if I knew at the start it wouldn't work out.  Granted, this is something you cannot predict which is why I'd like to know the guy for ages beforehand, so that marriage would not be too huge a transition.  Once during the winter this year or last year, P and I were having dinner at the weekend (which usually involves him cooking, me getting in the way and then me disliking washing up) and watching something on his computer and he said that we were just like a married couple with a very familiar routine.  I'm not sure how that makes me feel.  We talk of marriage in a semi-abstract way, in that it will be somewhere in the future, but it feels like an incredibly grown up step for me.  That's probably because I'm still at uni, but friends from school that are my age are getting flats and jobs and getting engaged and the like.

I floated the idea of a potential baby girl name, and decided I don't want to live in a boat, or in a treehouse.  I also had a surprise phone call from Costa Rica on Wednesday, bringing the voice contact count to 3.  It makes me wistful when I hear his travelling stories because I know that I will never have an opportunity like that.

So the end of the working week has mixed reviews.  The former half of the week was better than the latter (I think of the week as Monday to Friday, with 2 days weekend to play).  I mean, it was still good, just not as good as Mon - Wed.  Maybe I just had set myself too high a standard.  There has been lots of medicine, lots of discussion, laughs and some gossip :-)  There was also a bit of waiting around because of a couple of paediatric emergency cases but had some good self directed learning times.  As in, I actually looked at the book.

Met up with some friends last night to chat and play cards and the like.  Formal apologies for any untoward behaviour on my part.

Had an eventful morning, and woke up to some post which contained a physical manifestation of one of my goals to achieve before I am 30.  Got a bit excited and I wish I could tick them off via html... *investigates*

Had a very very weird dream this morning between 6 and 8am too... I dream that I was in my flat, and it was sunny but people were passing through my flat to get to the garden.  I was confused about why they were entering my flat just to get to the back door, as I had never noticed it before.  Though to be fair, dream Carol is probably unobservant too.  So I looked outside, and it was like a field.  There were people sat on benches chatting, and it was a private space just for people on my floor, but the annoying thing was that they had to go into my flat to get to the garden, and I was thinking, "well, it's all fine when I am here but what about when I'm not?  Then they might take my things".  But then I got distracted by this blond man, who was my next door neighbour.  So I walked past his flat, which had a round pane of glass in it so I could see inside, and he was doing some sort of fitness DVD.  His room was so sparsely decorated in comparison to mine, but there was lots of orange, yellow and purple patterned things.  I was also a bit :O at the arrangement of the things too.  If I had Paint, I'd draw the room for you.

Then he passed through my room again, and I was like, "hey! you're my next door neighbour?!?!" and then he told me he had lived next door for years but I had never seen him before.

Then I was playing in the playground at my school, and I had copper brown hair and a dress on.  It was breaktime and there were 2 teachers supervising and people were in the garden too.  (My school's playground had a sort of enclosed pretty garden area) but then I got some sort of call and fought this monster with (get this), two huge molecules of potassium chloride, with the two ions K+ and Cl- separately.  And it worked. (???)

Then I got another mission call, and had to run out of the playground, ignoring the reprimand of my teacher, and ran up the ramp and to the end of the road.  I realised I had nothing to fight with, then I saw this black helicopter moving towards me.  I asked it, "do you have any malicious intent towards me?" and it moved from side to side as if to say no.  So then I picked it up and it turned into a little toy helicopter, attached by string to a pink balloon that was not inflated.

So eventually I worked out that if I inflated the balloon, the helicopter got bigger too.  So I could get into the helicopter.  But it would get smaller with time so I'd have to reinflate the balloon.  Totally strange!!!  Then my best friend got into the helicopter with me, and then we flew over to the town and she told me to land on top of the Science Museum.

Weird, right??!!!!!

Ugh.. now I am overheating :(

Hope you are all well!

Carol xxoo

i need you like a heart needs a beat

A lot of my posts are queued up from when I have spare time.. a lot of my writing happens on Friday and Saturday nights/early mornings, which I sort of have as my time to catch up with the social media, to write blog posts, to watch tv shows on my computer and feel a bit less guilty about doing so.  Much of my work pattern stems from my school work habits.  Particularly when I was in 6th form, it was as if I was an only child for much of the term as my sister was at university.  I'd try and get all my work done on Friday night (for some reason) so I could enjoy the weekend.  I've not been feeling that well this weekend so been taking a bit easier and am spending a lot of time in bed reading magazines.


I'm on a Paediatric attachment at the moment, and have spent this past week in community paediatrics.  "Paed" means 'child' in Greek, I believe, and the 'iatro' part means medical caused, or doctor, or treating.  I studied Latin for 2 years, and 'paed' has an analogous meaning, and I can sort of see why people might think "paediatrics" is a Latin derived word.  I loved studying languages, and I wish sometimes that I had kept them all up.  People ask me sometimes what I would do if I wasn't doing my chosen degree.  I would have to say it would be something to do with French.  I loved studying it and I try to keep some French vocabulary in my normal vocabulary, which is why some of my texts have French words in.


Anyway, community paediatrics has been very interesting, a real eye opener.  Previously, I wasn't aware of the community's role in the holistic care of the child, and there are many people behind the scenes involved in a child's care.  It's a bit heartbreaking to see children's illness firsthand, in a chronic longterm sort of way.  We all have ideals and ways that we think things should be.  We saw some cases where foster carers were bringing their children into clinic, with varying results.  I find it hard to believe that someone could neglect their child, although the reasons are often multifactorial.


Studying Paediatrics also allows me to see patterns linking behaviours, and the like.  I can't really explain this without giving examples which would reveal who I am talking about.  Reading psychology and thought process books has not been in vain - it has real life applications.. at least for me!


P's secondary supervisor's wife is from Brazil, and she is a paediatrician.  He says it makes her more paranoid about the symptoms that her children have.  I think I would be like that.  I don't think I could marry a (medical) doctor.  Whilst it is good to find a vocation that you enjoy and that does not become your whole life, it's beneficial to escape from work life a little bit sometimes, and I think by marrying a medical doctor, it would keep me more in the mindset of work more often.  I don't want to burn out.. even now there are days when I just want to be lazy and not dress up and just lounge around in my tracksuit bottoms and a tank top and tie my hair up in a bun and sit in bed with some books.  Another good point of dating someone who's not a medic is that I have the ability to bring something to the relationship.  Many of you who know me know of P's stories and all his experiences, and it is concentrated when we are together.  So it is good that there is something that I can teach him.


The weather has been very on and off of recent, which bothers me as I don't react well to fluctuations in temperature.  I think I just respond to temperature badly anyway, I find it hard to adjust my body temperature to that of my environment.  And I can't work out if it's better for me to be too cold or to be too hot.  :/


Been reading 'Generation Kill' which is by Evan Wright, a reporter who was with Rolling Stone during the Iraq War *cough*.  I am not sure if he still works there, but to my knowledge, the TV series was faithful to the book.  And also, Wright was allowed such insight in exchange for not using his satellite phone to stay in contact with his editor.  But I think it's one of those books that benefits from having a TV series.. and the fact that I have already watched it makes the book for easier understanding.  Because of its faithfullness, it doesn't matter which one I read/saw first.  Normally, military/combat type stuff is not for me, as I get jumpy and don't enjoy suspense.  (I had to read the full synopsis of the first 2 seasons of 24 before we watched them, with everything broken down so I wouldn't get jumpy when stuff actually happened.  Not proud of it, but I soldiered on so P and I could watch them together)  Been sleeping a lot worse than usual, but feeling less tired.  I must stop napping during the day.


In other news... I'm getting a bit excited about graduation.  I know it is still a while off yet though....  Been watching SATC for the past 5 or 6 weeks.  It caters to the typical girl, and I refrained from watching it for so long for no real reason.. so I decided to start watching it.  It basically revolves around 4 women and their (dys)functional relationships; it lets me laugh/cringe at their mistakes or relationships, and reminds me how good I have it.  Been instructed to watch True Blood, which I thought I downloaded over the summer.... Obviously not as I cannot find it, unless it's hidden in another file.  Of all the 110GB of things I downloaded (seriously no idea how this happened), I must have downloaded it, right?  I made a list of things I wanted to watch and I'm 90% sure TB was on it.  There's also Being Erica, Accidentally on Purpose, Scrubs, Jane Eyre, Rome, Merlin, The IT Crowd.... and many other films.


It's a bit weird to go from seeing my friends every day during the Pathology course to just once or twice a week if that.  So glad I have free texting so I can keep in contact with them.  Otherwise, I'd get friend deficient.  A lot of meetings are chance encounters or finding out we're based at the same site that day or whatever.


R and I were talking about TV shows and characters who were like our friends last night... It moved from Scrubs to The Big Bang Theory... and it made me think, there are lots of TV shows whose characters are ones we can relate to, as they are like ourselves, or like people we know.  Friends is a good one as it covers many aspects of personalities, so that people can have Joey traits or Monica traits or whatever.  Very interesting.  We started watching The Ugly Truth, but generally, I find it hard to like Gerard Butler's characters in films he has been in that I have seen.  So then we started watching Burn After Reading which was a bit serious, and felt like two separate films with tenuous links and I felt like it was trying to hard to tick the right boxes for "what makes a good film".  I think we stopped when George Clooney finds out his wife wants a divorce, and I'm not sure I'd watch the rest.  Then we watched Scary Movie 2, which is a film that requires no thought and no need to concentrate.  I think I need to not drink when I'm trying to watch a film.  Or when I'm trying to walk.


Love this song: Rob Thomas looks so different!

kiss me kiss me say that you miss me

Hello boys + girls,


A lot has been happening recently, but not had any time to write about it.  Thought I'd do this tonight, or early today.. as I like writing here; it helps me to compartmentalise various things that have happened in my life.  I seem to have finally reached the right balance of communication with my family (only taken 4 years).  When I first moved away from home, my parents used to call me quite often then we struck a deal of talking twice a week.  Then my mum figured out how to text, and send picture messages, and now I communicate a lot of information via text and pictures.  The main thing my parents are concerned about is knowing that I am alright which is why they want to hear from me often.  I think know I've said this a lot, but the more time I live out, and spend less time at home, the more I realise just how much being with my family means to me.  I get homesick less often, not that I did much to begin with.  Two or three weeks before I go home, I feel like I /need/ to go home, but it passes, and I think it's probably related to knowing I will be going home really soon.


I often think I wouldn't be that good at being domesticated, but I've only just come to the realisation that these past few months, I have become more domesticated.  As in... handwashing all my clothes, sweeping the floor twice a day, tidying up some part of my flat constantly... I quite like tidying as I find it therapeutic when the place is clean and shiny.  Whether it is linked to the boy being away I know not.. maybe I am just growing up (haha).


There are two books I have in my possession (sort of), one of which I read a few weeks ago.. it came exceedingly highly recommended and it was indeed really good.  Now I want to start another book, whose content links to that of the first book, but I can't figure out when to read it.  I'm not a travel-reader.. I can do puzzles but I can't read (much) whilst on public transport.  And I can't read for more than 20 minutes before bed, during my wind down time for the day.  I sense this second book is one that will require more than 20 minute bursts of reading...


Received a dress in the post, courtesy of T.. thankyou.  It fits lovely-ly.. er, wonderfully (I need to stop making up words).  I'm one of those people who wants to wear their new purchases very soon after they are bought.. but sometimes I keep some things back and wear them out of season.  Although, technically, most of the things I own are not in season.. I wear my summer wardrobe most of the time, with the addition of one or two extra layers in winter.  Maybe I will learn to dress appropriately for the weather one day.  I hate being cold, and I hate wearing layers in bed which is why I have more than one duvet on my bed.  Speaking of which, now I feel like it's getting cold again.. time to get my other duvet out.... I love sitting in bed with all my pillows and duvets.  I always sleep on the left side - always always - so I have a clock, some books and magazines on the right hand side.


These past few weeks I have been budgeting like crazy and eating at home lots and lots, so I could afford to pay for some skincare things that I needed... wanted needed.  So my diet hasn't been crazy or exotic or anything, just.. normal.  I also went with some friends to karaoke this eve - was very fun. =)  I guess at first you spend ages picking songs then no one wants to be the first to sing, so you need a great song that everyone knows so that they can sing along.  Sore throat didn't help - been feeling a bit ill this past week (all my own fault).


Had a surprise phone call from P during the week - verbal contact has, until now, been non-existent, so it was great to hear his stories firsthand until his phonecard money ran out. I also used a website a few months ago, which stores emails for a certain length of time and delivers it on a specified date.  Well, mine was delivered on my birthday;I forgot that I had sent it so it was a surprise to get it back, and a reply.  He signed off with "I made sure that when I moved to the UK that I thought of where I lived as home -- but now home is where you are".  ♥  (Yes yes, potentially very soppy, but shush.  I think it's sweet.  You wish you had a boy/girlfriend who thinks of you in this way.)




Hope you've all been well!
Carol
x
o
x
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birthday!

It's my birthday!!!  Celebrated by going to lectures then Starbucks, and had a traditional lunch and am just waiting for my dinner.  But in all seriousness, I celebrated it last week with my friends, and last month with my family.  I(think)'ve got most of my presents.. spent a disproportionate amount of time looking for a dress yesterday.  I feel like my life needs to be more girly.. it doesn't feel like it is at the moment.

I feel like I have left my teens for real now.  When you're 21, you can still claim to be a teen.. I always associated being 21 with a "let's party!" age.  Now I'm properly in my 20's.  But being 21 was fun.  Some of the things that stood out for me this year: I helped to deliver a baby on my 21st birthday. I helped to deliver several babies, and got to be assistant surgeon.  I got mentioned in the acknowledgements in P's thesis. (I have an irrational worry of being forgotten when I am no longer alive.. so in some small way, I will be remembered).  I've achieved more of my goals to do before I'm 30. I got a BSc in Medical Sciences with Reproductive and Developmental Science. I read a book that changed my outlook on life.  I learnt significantly more about what will happen in the future. I had many many good times with my friends and family, and learnt who I could and couldn't trust, and who my real friends were.

Whilst I worry about getting old ( I have about £x of products I regularly use right now.  is that too much?), I'm excited about what this year is going to bring.  Age is just a number and all that matters is what you do with the time that you have.

5 years ago, I only had vague ideas and vague dreams about where my life was going.

Vitalise, 2005


(C) Carol, 2005

Now I know where I'm going :-)

short hair, home, 2010
(C) Carol, 2010

Carol
x o x o

PS. Some pictures from A's & my birthday meal. Credit R & A, 2010.

♥ this photo

I like the way this picture turned out :)