the key that opens holy doors

Just found out there's a school reunion, of my sixth form class, in a few weeks.  I won't be able to go because of school and stuff, but I am not sure I would want to.  There are some people I would dearly love to see, and some others who I am indifferent to.  Sixth form, particularly the latter months, are a bit strange.  I can't remember if I have ever written about this here before, but when I chose my intended career path, it was for quite a few reasons, unlike my other friends, whose parents/family members were already in this field.  I didn't want to be tied to any assumption, I didn't want people to think, oh she's Chinese, she's got to do this career.  I did lots and lots of experience in order to find out what I wanted to do, and in the end, I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do!


Thinking about it now, I am not sure what other degree I would have loved to do, to be honest.  I loved French, and all things French.  I don't understand English people's animosity towards France, partly because I wasn't alive during the times when Britain had issues with France, partly because I don't believe my country deserves to be better than France and partly because I love the French.  (I keep meaning to write about why I like French things so much, maybe one day.)  I had a love for languages, although I had a huge fault which is reflected throughout all my language learning experience.


I had a lot of friends at school - I am not being boastful.  A lot of people had a lot of friends.  (You know you did.)  Some I was close to in some years, some not.  The way my school worked was that in the first three years, you would do all the subjects together as a class, and then when you chose your GCSE options, the four classes in each year would be divided firstly by common subjects so those who did certain subjects always ended up in the same group, then by ability (Maths) and then randomly.  I maintained close friendships with a few people throughout my school career, and then normal friendships with others.


There were about 15 girls in my group (I went to an all girls' school) and I was close with about 6 of them.  Some of them were because we did the same subjects or very similar subjects.  We have all chosen the same career path, but I feel like it might have been a detriment to any lasting close friendship.  It was quite hard, because I was the very last one of this group to get a university offer (except the Czech university, which I believe I never formally declined....) and so whilst they were making plans for university life, I was left on my own (figuratively) to worry about my future path and what I would do next.


I worry that if I were to see these particular friends again, there would be some sort of hidden agenda type rivarlry, with trying to tell stories to one-up each other.  I have no interest in doing so, I don't regret any decison I've made so far about where my life is going. I won't be swayed by stories of other cities and other universities.  As far as I am concerned, the university I am at has given me so much and continues to do so (even though fellow school-goers do not express the same opinion).


I feel like there might be silent judging; what else would you expect with a class of around 70 girls?  Some people have gotten to exciting places, others may not.  Some have fallen off my radar and I have no idea what happened to them after we left.


A couple of girls I still count among my best friends; we keep in regular contact even though meeting up is always difficult.  They've been through a lot with me, and I truly respect them.  I would love to be able to see them at the reunion!  One of them has been my friend since I started that school, and we would always have our crazy ideas together.  She saw me through my crushes and I through hers.  I miss her a lot.  We haven't beenout for ages.. I'm still studying and she's almost a language assistant / serveuse at Disneyland (I think the latter is a summer job?)  She brings out my ditziness and a bit of recklessness, I would say.  The other of my best school friends has always been, and remains, very wise and very knowledgeable and practical.  I went to see her recently: she is making a very interesting living working for a branch of the government in a lovely part of the country.  She is very independent, and I admire her very greatly.


My girls' school had a boys' school counterpart, across the road.  Lessons weren't mixed when I was at school, but I think they became mixed in the year below me, for only a few subjects.  Sixth formers were allowed in each others' common rooms only at lunch, but some boys and some girls went to the other's school during free lessons or breaks or whatever.  I was alright friends with some of the boys, in both years.  (Sixth form is made of two years, year 12 and year 13, or as they were known as my school, Lower Sixth and Upper Sixth.  We had an old fashioned way of naming the years)  I do not know if the boys' school is having a reunion actually.  I met up with one of my friends, which I mentioned last week (?); we went to the same school, although he was there from all the way through, and I joined in year 5.  I'd heard about him, and to be honest, his infamousness, and we became acquainted through a mutual friend, who was going through a bit of a self destructive period.  In some ways, he is exactly the same as he was a few years ago, and in some other ways, he is different.


So these three people I have described are the ones I like to keep in touch with.  I respect them the most, in their own way, and they have helped me learn a little more about who I am, whether they realise it or not.  I keep going on about how I don't regret anything every once in a while (hey, if you don't like it, don't read it) which is one of the most important things I have ever been told (life lesson wise).  Each of these three people have helped show me that this is true.


Of course there are others I'd like to see, and equally, there are some girls I feel indifferent towards as I wasn't close to them.  It's such a contrast; I used to have loads of female friends at school, but now at university, I feel as though I don't have many girl friends, but more guy friends / acquaintances.  This is partly due to demographic.


Part of the reason I love watching Gossip Girl is that it reminds me a tiny tiny bit of a very overblown and exaggerated version of my school.  But mostly, I miss the school environment.  I miss lessons with teachers who would go off topic, I miss being asked, "isn't that right, Carol?" every two minutes by my Physics teacher.  I miss how everything seemed so simple then, and everything seemed within our grasp.  I miss how silly I used to be, and think once in a blue moon about the mistakes I made.  Every once in a while, when I look at my facebook newsfeed, I see news about a girl I went to school with.  But I wouldn't want to go back to a situation similar to my school.  I led a very sheltered education, (if such a thing makes sense).  The teachers always encouraged us, and never let us believe that we couldn't achieve something (which is a good thing, I know).  A lot of the good teachers are gone now, and a few years ago, I went back to the school.  So much had changed.  The whole school comes under one name, and is split into 5 schools across a fairly sizeable bit of land.  There is a mixed Kindergarten (nursery / year 1 + 2), a boys' junior school (whose years were named oddly, after Latin words!), a girls' junior school and a boys' senior and girls' senior school.  The sixth forms were attached to the respective senior schools.


Whilst I miss a lot of things about school and the things it taught me, and how different I was then, I don't really miss the old me.  I made mistakes that both allowed me to see who were my real friends and who weren't.  I learnt firsthand what the power of gossip could do.  A few months ago, I went through the posts I had written on my blog, and took steps to delete all my past online blogs (I only joined blogger in November 2006.  I deleted all entries until October 2007, not because it is a time I don't wish to remember - I had some fond memories, but because my writing style was so disjointed and there was a lot of personal information.  And whilst I may have made mistakes during that first year, I do not regret anything.) although some of them were about my time at school.  I wrote a blog about my style of dress once, right?  I was known for dressing a particular way - I won't really elaborate here - I'm not being boastful; every girl had her distinguishing feature.  I suppose I was one of the ones who could get away with any style of dress.  Yes it was always appropriate.  And centred around pink and black.  How emo of me.


One of the best memories I have of sixth form (most of what I have written so far is about my time at sixth form, which is totally different from senior/high school) was when we went on a "school trip" to London, without teacher supervision.  For some reason, the teacher couldn't come, so we 5 went off on our own, joined by 3 other girls who didn't take the subject of the focus of the trip but were there to enjoy the social aspect.  I go back to the places we went to over 5 years ago, and think how much has changed and what memories I still have.  Like how I got excited that Jude Law waved at us.  To this day, I maintain that he DID, and in all honesty, I'd still be excited if he waved at me right now.  Like how I held Matt Dillon's hand (wikipedia him).  Like how my friend blinded Pierce Brosnan.  Like how I tipped half a tub of Bailey's ice cream into a bottle when it had melted.  Like how I got told off by a lady at the Lancome counter in Harrod's.  Like how we'd have midnight conversations that lasted ages.


Coming to university made me realise what a big change life was taking, and it forced me to grow up in a way that I feel that some people my age and/or in my school year currently have not.  Whether or not I act like an adult, I would like to think I have matured a bit, learnt (some) common sense (I was known for being ditzy, and still am) and learnt a lot, both about life, studies and mostly, myself.  Of course everyone changes at university: it is one of those things that is bound to change you.  Some aspects of myself have definitely changed, some have subtly changed and some have not at all.  Some have just been enhanced by my time thusfar at university, and some dulled.  But I wouldn't want it any other way.


Carol xxx


If you truthfully made it to the very end of this very long post, having read everything (although, I'm not sure why you would want to.  I hardly read over my own posts myself!) you are now at liberty to ask me anything you like about anything I have written in this post in the comment section.  If you know me in real life, please feel at liberty to ask me in real life.