keep telling yourself that "i'm a diva!"

Do your friends ever do something that makes you want to give them a bit of a shake and wake up call?  I hate it when people are obviously looking for attention and affection, as if the number of tweets or likes/comments on a facebook post indicates level of affection.  After studying the personality disorder classification in psychiatry revision properly and in depth, it made me link them with people I know, just so I can remember them a little bit.  I tried not to do it, but the traits reminded me of some people I know.  Anyway, I am not entirely sure what I want to say.  It's obvious what is going on, they're going through a rough time, they don't love themselves as much as they could, they're reaching out a lot and getting rejected and therefore more hurt and are unable to lift themselves out of it easily.

It's not because I have any malicious intent at all, it's just distant concern for them.  I don't think it is my place to do anything, because I am not as close to them as other people are and thus advice from me may notbe as useful as it would from someone else.

Maybe it's just down to insecurity.  We each have our own insecurities, and maybe this person just feels like they might be defined by a relationship, and that they need someone else's affection to feel like a whole person, because their general situation isn't so fun.  Just because I have a boyfriend, that doesn't mean I have no insecurities.

it's like looking for a treasure when it's already mine

So with great enthusiasm, I watched the Royal Wedding; had made plans to watch it at a friend's house but it fell through and so just ended up watching it at my boyfriend's house, streaming it on the BBC and/or youtube.  Me and a couple of other friends who have twitter were tweeting during the ceremony - there were so many people doing a live commentary!  The hashtag, if you care, is #royalwedding .  It goes without saying that I loved it immensely!!!

Been sort of... down recently for many reasons.  I guess it's the study getting to me.  I wish I could cope better, and that I believed in my (small) ability better.  It's just.. too many things and I sort of withdraw and shut down if I feel down about too many things.  It lead to me writing the post which I published just before this one, then removed it.  The first paragraph is the same though.

Met one of my friends from school last week - he had an interview with Accenture, who gave me free stuff once for winning a prize (long story), so I approve.  Basically, I have had conflicting views about viewing our friendship in the past and have acted with my heart rather than my head on multiple occasions.  Suffice to say that I am now glad that we are mature adults who have coffee together in Paul. (I love Paul.  I always say "I love Paul" when we talk about that store - guaranteed).  Hopefully it will not be several years before we speak again!

This Live Below the Line thing is incredibly hard.  I have relied on donated food A LOT and not included it in my budget.  I realise this is not within the rules, but I intend to do the five days.  Just not all at once, maybe one day at a time.  The reason for this is because of social occasion, and my circumstance.  I am a small BBC/V girl, with a fast metabolism.  It gets a bit scary sometimes and almost GP appointment worthy.  My boyfriend and I were talking about fasting - he can fast for 4 days without food (just water and some disgusting olive oil/liquid thing mix) and I can fast for 22 hours.  I tried it once during BSc revision time, just for fun really.  I went 22 hours without food, and suffered psychosomatic symptoms of blacking out and fuzzy vision.  I know I know they are psychosomatic symptoms and it's because I can't handle the idea of not eating food for a long period of time.  Apparently, the way I view hunger is basically out of proportion to my situation and if I calm down, then I can go longer without food.  I wouldn't like to, and I thank my lucky stars every single day that my parents came to this country.  (The story of how they ended up here is quite long too, and not for public reading).  I thank my lucky stars every day that I live in a society where I can live with freedom and have the choice to eat a varied diet.  I am incredibly thankful - a massive sequence of events had to happen so that I can live this way (not in a societal way, in my parents' timeline).

Anyway, I am rambling.  I can't go without food for more than 24 hours.  Believe me, I have tried.  More than once.  It's desperately unhealthy, but I like (weirdly) to set myself challenges to push myself.  The not eating thing was one of them.  The weird eating habits was one of them.  The decision to stay up for over 30 hours on three separate occasions in 10 days was my choice - I wanted to prove to myself that I could pull an "all nighter" and not suffer badly.

So I am doing the Live Below the Line challenge, but slowly and my own way.  But I am doing it!!  I have spoken to some people about it actually and I think they're just unwilling to break out of their comfort zone and think about the cost of food they eat.

I anchor values quite a lot - this is obviously evident when you ask me how much I spend on food, or what is a "good salary" and a "bad salary", and what is an "expensive house".  My ideas about money and price are distorted because of my anchoring - it is what I have known and what I have seen.  But it has shown me what money can do to people, and just how important it can be, and how unimportant it can be.  A lot of my attitudes towards buying things has come from my upbringing - I do not regret it at all and I have never been able to properly explain what I mean by my attitudes towards money.  As with most of my procedural memory, I cannot explain what I mean......

notebook doodles

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it, so don't bother reserving space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay

 

you know what? you're an individual and that makes people nervous

 

These are from http://thenotebookdoodles.tumblr.com/ ; no copyright infringement intended.  Please credit if used.

On a bit of a tumblr splurge if you couldn't tell... been browsing a few and will post some pretty pictures soon.

I will also blog about my life soon too, don't worry!  I'm just on a bit of a picture binge at the moment.  Please indulge me, and check back for further posts (with substance.. -_- ? ) in the future.

C xxx

v is very very extraordinary

les choses que je ressens et les choses que je veux en ce moment

for resting, for stressing and for thinking a lot

I know the and the next photo are essentially the same, but I love the "spring-ness" of the girl, with the blurry blossom tree background.  Her make-up complements the background, and she looks a bit lovely

spring is here!

Chanel flowers -- I always associate Chanel with vintage fashion for some reason.  I've been mixing up my style a lot recently

I love love love this song -- never fails to get me dancing

first six images from deviantart
the rest from google images

you know i'd fight for you

Just got back from hanging out at a friend's house: it was lovely but I think I've had my fill of watching boys playing console games for a little bit.


One of the things I hate most, more than my issues with my weight/image and weight in general... is crying in front of people.  I've just had an emotional few days, in more ways than one, and it probably wasn't helped by the fact that things from the past are coming back to remind me of things.  There must be like 2 people in the world I would be comfortable shedding tears in front of, family excluded.  It's a very vulnerable thing and a very personal thing for me... I dislike feeling sad, and sometimes just need to cry to let my many emotions out.  I hate feeling like this and I don't know what to do.


I dislike crying in front of people, or being really vulnerable.. it provokes very odd responses in people, some expected and some not so expected.  I used to hide from my boy when I wanted to cry.. I'd just go hide in the bathroom and cry whilst running the taps in the sink so that he couldn't hear.. well, he found me out soon enough :/


Usually when I feel sad, I just wait to let it pass, but this time it feels different.  Not like teary eyes, but like, full on tears on cheeks sort of thing.  This must be a very soppy and a too emotional post, and I might delete it later if I feel unhappy about it later.


I haven't cried for a few months, and haven't felt the need to.  I really really felt like I needed to cry today - I felt really down about a lot of things, some of which were brought up in conversation, and some of which were not.  I am not a fan of negative emotion, so again, I ran to the bathroom and cried a bit - it was very cathartic but the issues are all still there.  Well, since I was with guys, I didn't think it was appropriate to interrupt their activities and say, I feel sad.


I hate being snappy with people; 99.9% of the time I know I am doing it, and usually it is hormone related.  I don't MEAN IT!!!!!  A lot of things are now different too much too soon in my life and I think I am reacting to it very badly.  One of the things I admire P most of all is his unflappability (is that even a word?) and it is further highlighted by the fact that I react to certain situations in a really bad way, and I thought I'd gotten better at it whilst he was away, so that there would not be such an imbalance upon his return.  Well, I was... until today.


So in lieu of his being here, he being the one I share everything, and all my innermost secrets with, I set up a second blog, whose existence is so that I can get my emotion out there somehow, and compartmentalise it somehow and get over it.


I'm having a birthday celebration with a friend on Tuesday, and whilst a part of me likes receiving gifts and the like.. the other and larger part of me is actually grateful for getting gifts.  I have never ever ever reacted badly to receiving a gift, and have never faked the feelings I've felt about getting them.  It's lovely that people actually go out of their way to go and get something, no matter what it is.  Whilst I might not make use of all the gifts I have ever used, I have never given them away, thrown them away, broken them or anything.  I keep them all in one place.  So I probably could have dealed with that a lot better.. I don't want to make people get the things I want them to get.. that's incredibly selfish and I don't want to be like that anymore (or try to anyway).  The spoilt part of me is lesser now, not gone but not dominant... and I hate that I act like that.  Sorry :(


I also feel stupidly unattractive for reasons so ludicrous sounding I don't even want to write it here.  I dislike direct comparisons to my appearance / weight / etc - it knocks a bit off my self confidence and makes me a bit down.  I hate that I still haven't come to terms with my weight issues, but I am not sure anything external can make it any different - it has to come from within.. and it's more than just "... so do it then".. it's some psychological thing :(


:(


Contrary to popular belief, I CAN keep secrets - I can't tell if my friends are being serious or not when they talk about this, but I CAN.  I know I've not done so in the past, but that's in the past.  What has happened is something I cannot change.  But what I CAN change is what happens in the future.  Since being told of my secret spilling months ago, I haven't told any secrets that I have been trusted to keep - A told me not to tell anyone something they told me, and true to my word, I have NOT done so.  And I keep my own secrets - I do share everything with P, nearly every everything, but there are still some things I keep to myself.  I keep his secrets faithfully, I keep some of his opinions secret.  And a lot of the secrets I do keep are ones that have ability to change my life in some way, good or bad.


My mum had a big operation a few weeks ago, which I might have talked about?, but she understood that one of the risks was a stroke and/or death.  In light of this, she decided to tell me a lot of things over a very short period of time, about my life, about my parents' stories and past and childhood and impart wise words (not all of which I can articulate in English.  I can speak Chinese a little bit, enough to get by, and I understand it and again, contrary to popular belief, there are some words I say in Chinese as I don't know the English equivalent).  I think it was both recognition of her operation and in recognition that she understood that I have grown up (a little bit) and that I was capable of keeping these secrets and a non verbal sign that she trusted me to keep them for her.  It hurts a lot to not be able to be there with her in her post recovery period.  There is no feasible time during term time that I can go home for a decent length of time that would make the travelling worthwhile, and the more time I spend away from home, the more I realise just what it means to me.


I need to make a late New Years Resolution.  I AM going to be a better person by the time P comes home.  "Better" is a very subjective term, but I will know for myself.


I hate crying, and I hate being not enough a big person to be able to handle all of this properly.


I am such a loser.

i hurt

Sometimes i feel like I am feeling too much emotion for one person to feel, or that I am feeling paradoxical emotions and I don't know how to deal with it.  I (try to) take time out... and go read, or watch a film, or go for a walk or have a nap or go to the shops and not buy anything, or whatever.  Now what am I meant to do when life doesn't let me have time out?

gahhhhh

I had dinner an hour ago but now I feel sick.  I feel like if I go to lie down again, I'll feel rubbish tomorrow.  So I'm looking for stuff to buy for my birthday.  Thought I'd do another letter thing.


Day 2: your crush
To be honest, I don't think I have had a "crush" for ages... Okay okay.
Dear J, I dislike how we don't talk anymore, but that's not my fault.  I remember when we first met, like, 5 years ago, you told your friends you fancied me ( :s ) and then they decided to tell me.  Then, like, a year later we started talking again and you were hinting pretty strongly about your feelings towards me, and I guess I let myself get a bit caught up in the childish romance of it.  Yes I had a crush on you... Because your background was/is similar to mine, I think I identified with you a lot back then; we were similar, we used to talk a lot and flirt and have fun and it was all harmless.  We had two dates, it sort of fizzled out into friendship, we had a frank discussion, and then I made a wise mistake of being incredibly indecisive. (not in a bad way)
Looking back, I am 100% sure we would have been unsuited as at that time, I thought I wanted something casual, and you thought you wanted something very serious.  Turns out we each wanted the opposite of what we thought.  I went to visit you, and I still have those stars you made for me in my heart shaped box, which is filled with little mementos.  But you flaked out a lot more than I did.  I'd like to say I miss you... but I don't.


Cordially,
Carol




PS.  Please understand that I'm writing these letters as a form of catharsis, to get closure from certain things in the past, and to let them lie.  I am NOT a mean spirited person, I am NOT saying mean whatever anyone says.  I'm treating these as a psychological experiment type thing.

who said it was better to have loved and lost?

Back in London now!  My flat looked very suspiciously tidier than I remember leaving it... tidied up a bit, still got clothes all over the place, but I'm too tired to fix it.  I had a nap during the daytime for the first time in ages: I used to get really tired by the afternoon, back in those days where I didn't eat so much.  But then those stupid horn things they have at the World Cup woke me up: my next door neighbour was watching the other football match that was on today.  Well, England v Germany.. I am not one bit surprised.  I didn't think England deserved to get through to the final 16; their total effort thusfar has been poor.

When I was at home in the shop, I was hot a lot of the time, because of the cooking and machinery and general running about.  My flat is cooler, but I need to keep my window open all the time, otherwise I feel really faint.  This excess heat is just too much for me :(  I don't think I can face going out tomorrow; it NEEDS to cool down NOW :/

Have over 100 GB of things to watch... basically, I just download lots when I am at home, so I can watch films or tv shows during my time at uni when I feel like it.  My sister has also done something to my USB stick.. it's been formatted or somesuch weird thing, and now I can't delete or copy files to it????  Everything was so much simpler when I didn't try to use Windows.

I'm not really looking forward to having to wear sunscreen again.  For the most part, I stay inside during the most sunny hours when you're meant to wear it, and I've only had sunburn once in my life... I don't really tan much, so now I look white.  Except I have Chinese colouring.  But I don't like the feeling of sunscreen and the smell of it, and also the constant need to reapply it.

Sometimes I get really irrational and think that things between the boy and I will be weird when he comes back.  It's hard having very little contact.  You know how in emails, or texts, you can "hear" a person's voice, as if they were actually saying the words they've written?  I don't feel that.  A large part of our relationship is tactile or verbally communicated, and it's difficult to be without my bestest friend for a long time.  I have been promised gifts, and I came back today to find a postcard, which everyone in my house and the postman and everyone involved in its delivery process has probably read.


I adore this song.  It gives me chills.  Just as well, as I need cooling down.


xo

today is a winding road

4th year is over!!!  Can't believe I've made it 4 years through university!!!  My presentation was a bit :S but I am glad that it is over!  Currently trying to watch the latest Gossip Girl via the internet; it was the season finale yesterday.  Bought some books :) and some Muji candles so I can have some relaxing evenings in.. they'd be lovely for the summer.  I've been trying hard to find a lovely scented candle, so I thought I'd try some Muji ones.  I love Muji & their kooky Japanese sense of style.

Looking forward to the rest of this week... vague plans to see friends etc, nothing concrete.  Home on Saturday !

Gotten myself out of my sad rut, with the help of my friends.  Almost felt like crying when A asked me how I was getting on without P :'(  In truth, I've been finding it more difficult than I realised, and more than I like to let on.  I've been to Hyde Park, and walked quite long distances... for me.  I'm not a good person for walking.. If I walk too far I get really achey feet and a sore lower back and need to sit down.  I think I just can't stand up for long periods of time... I'm getting old....!! But it was lovely!  There was much good chat and much photo taking.  At the weekend, we went in search of some of the elephants on the parade (I'd read about it on TimeOut last week) around Hyde Park.  I'm not really one for visiting touristy areas, and a lot of them are in touristy places.... so I guess I'll just wait for the RCH exhibition :D

I've been a pretty rubbish friend these past few months.  I've not bought several people their birthday presents.  So I spent a couple of hours last night trying to decide what to get for one person, eventually changing my original gift idea, and now I think I have a good idea.  One person down... like 3 to go.  Speaking of birthdays, I'm excited for mine.  It's sort of bittersweet, as it's the first one I'll have spent without my family... but I'll have all my friends to celebrate with me :)  In lieu of a boyfriend present, I'll also do his job and buy myself lots of little gifts.  I felt kinda guilty last year because he got me lots, and I've not bought him a gift for ages :(  But he told me it was okay.. because he had and has everything he wanted, materially and emotionally.  I think his long term goal and desires involve getting as many experiences as he can, or 'collecting' them.... That's why he's off farming, skydiving, diving, paragliding, parachuting, jumping... whatever it is (?)  And he knows I'm still materialistic.

Anyway.  Several posts coming soon! Hope you're all well xoxo

now it seems to me that you know just what to say

in that lonely time, you told me to be stronger (dA: curioso)

So I'm up doing some stuff at the moment, various bits and pieces, so it occurred to me that I hadn't written here for ages.  Thank you to all those people who keep checking back constantly to see if there's a new post!  I just felt that after posting every day in April, I'd lost my blogging ability.  It got hard for a while trying to decide what to blog about... seriously, my life is not that exciting, or interesting.  So I thought I'd take a break, pursue other writing interests and also use that time to focus on my uni work.  But it's late, I'm not working right now, I thought I'd take a few minutes to write here!


Life's been a bit strange for me recently.  I've faced the fact that I will be without my boy for a while, as he travels the world in search of himself, in search of answers for the future.  He's been surveying hills, paragliding next to eagles, manning the internet shop in Bir, getting bitten by insects... I wish he kept a travel blog, so I'd know what he's been up to.  Largely, he has been reticent over his fun times in India, but I suspect this might be because he's writing it down, and he'll be able to tell me hours-worth of stories when he returns.  It makes me happy to read his emails, small comfort that they are.


I love hearing other people's experiences, I love learning new things about my friends, and I love that they can learn more about themselves.  I know I could never leave my life behind for 6 months, for the greater good.  I'm too selfish to do that, and so I admire his strength.  I won't pretend I find it easy that he's away.  Sometimes I need a shoulder to have a serious cry on, or a big hug, or just.. someone to talk to (I've been more reticent recently I feel.  I feel like I'm changing: I want to become a better person in these next few months.  I'm becoming less materialistic: I am making the most of what I have, which is why I've been wearing clothes that I've not worn for a few months or for a year or two (they're still clean. The place I get them done at is awesome). I'm becoming more aware of my effect on the environment, and learning (albeit slowly) about politics and the environment.  I've been writing more and more - here and on paper.... Is this what growing up is like?  When you realise that things are different and it happened without you noticing?


In terms of uni, I've been pretty busy, but happy.  I finish soon, and I am going home next Saturday.  I can't wait, because I really need to see my family.  My time at home is becoming shorter and shorter, and I need to see for myself that my parents are okay.  Sometimes it makes me upset when I think about just how much my parents have sacrificed for me to have my education.  Small things are making me upset.  Without someone to share everything with, I feel like all my emotion gets pent up, and it gets too much for me sometimes.  But I've been finding it hard to articulate out loud how I feel (this is an extension of "out loud")... that's another reason why I've not written here for a little while.  My mood has been fluctuating a lot recently and I've not known what to do to make it okay.  This has frustrated me, as I didn't want to publish a shabby post which had no meaning at all.


My summer is significantly shorter than it has been for a long long long time.  At primary school, we had 6 weeks of summer holiday.  When I left after year 4 finished, my new summer holidays were much longer.  At university, they were just crazily long.  But now it's shorter again, and I hope to get lots done.  There are so many books I want to read - I've been putting off reading some for months and months now... there are so many people I want to see while I'm home, there's a lot I need and want to do.  But I'm excited for the next year to begin.


Usually, I don't follow fashion.  A lot of the things in the shops don't suit me - I usually hate shopping for clothes/shoes.  But I've been floating around in a maxi dress which has substituted as my nightdress for about a week now.  For the most part, I wear a lot of the same clothes.... maybe the same.... month or two month's worth?  But I've been finding older clothes that I own, to mix it up.


I also had the weirdest dream this morning, almost like a nightmare, about a battle between the Greeks and the Romans.  It scared me into waking up :/


I've also become a serious geek for the environment.  Most aspects of life are underpinned by the environment.  That's probably all I'll say on the matter here....  Also, my whole weight issue has moved forward.  I looked in the mirror about a month ago and realised I look a little skeletal. When I lie down, my hip bones jut out at some weird-looking angle.  It feels weird.  Not much progress but.... small baby steps..


Yeah, life's not been wildly noteworthy... but I will try and write some more.  I have ideas that aren't that much formulated for other posts, so watch this space!!


The title, picture and quote in this post was what I was going to originally post, to reflect my feeling lonely, but I've kinda snapped out of the emo-ness and expanded it to include all of this!  Enjoy! And comment! xo

but words are only words,

can you show me something else?

can you swear to me that you'll always be this way,

show me how you feel, more than ever

i wish that i could press rewind somehow

but she's got a boyfriend now....

via deviantArt

i want my money back, just enjoy the show

I am most definitely not "one of the boys".

Doing Repro meant that I spent a lot of this past year with girls, and we formed a quite tightknit group (some of us anyway).  People still group together, even when there are new people introduced into the same class.  And so it became natural talk to discuss celebrities' outfits or gossip, because they'd be more likely to have an opinion or know something about it.  It gave me an outlet to complain about things that they would understand and be sympathetic towards.  But now I have some very good friends and have restrengthened friendships.  Lots of people seemed to hate their BSc's.  I thoroughly enjoyed mine.  However much I complained about Repro, I did love it.

And now hanging out with two of my closest friends, both of whom are male, feels different.  They talk about computer games and consoles, and.... boy things.  It makes me more aware that they definitely do not see me as one of the guys, and I wouldn't want to be seen that way.  Maybe it's just because they've not seen each other for most of the year, and so have strategy recounts to tell each other, or that some new console games have come out....

I can quite happily live life without ever having a console.  Yes I used to play Call of Duty like, once a month, but almost a year ago.  I wouldn't rush to go play it.  I never pretended to be any good.  To be honest, I spent most of the time looking at the tables and chairs in the rundown houses and shops.  And I only express a want to go and play it so that I can do this again, look at the tables and chairs and shops and trees, in the context of spending time with my friends.  Playing it seems to be a very solitary thing, when you play alone, even when playing with other people via the internet.  I'd much rather spend time with my friends in real life, rather than online.

Separately, the friendships are still the same.  But collectively, it feels... different somehow.  In a way that I can't explain.  I don't get these Call of Duty references, and I don't understand or care for battle plans or who killed who when and how and why at this time in this way without this thing or with this thing and they got this score or this medal or this.... whatever.  I just don't care.

But maybe it's my intolerance and impatience with computer games.  I mean, once I was in Giraffe, and there were three people on the table behind me.  There was one guy, and two girls.  Throughout the whole of my stay in Giraffe, the two girls talked and talked and talked and talked, and ignored the guy.  Is that what I am becoming???  But how understanding can I get when I have no interest or have nothing to contribute to the discussion other than "you should get a girlfriend!"  And forget this, "find me a girlfriend, then" return.  Go and find one yourself.  Significant others do not grow on trees.

But this is what they enjoy, and they have every right to talk to each other about it.  I guess I just don't like it when it dominates the conversation and then it becomes the fallback for a conversation topic.  The sink for all my complaining, gossip and ranting has told me several times that I should stop hanging out with them and get new friends.  (to be fair though, it was after a lot of complaining, and he tolerated it well)  But they're my friends.  I couldn't do that to them.

I can't work out what has precipitated the change, either in myself or in my friendship.  I was never one for calling others out when they are making me upset or annoy me; I think that in order to improve oneself as a person, it's really important to understand the effect you have on others, without them having to tell you.  And whilst I might actually do it too, in that I might ignore one person in the group conversation in order to talk to another about something they have a very limited knowledge of, I would like to think I did it without knowing.  So I would like to apologise if you've ever felt I've done that to you.  I'm not going to make an excuse, I'd just like to say sorry.

Every week, I have two sets of OSCE tutoring, and both are with close friends of mine.  I am so glad I get to see at least one repro girl a week.  Otherwise I'd probably go mad from too much boy time.  I need girl time too.  And I have come to value it much more, because at least then the conversation is equally dominant between all people.

found via google images

do you remember back then when we met

History of medicine-wise it has been a very interesting week, mostly because of the focus on the specialities.  In particular, the varying attitudes to psychiatry and people considered "insane", and the role of women in Victorian society.  One thing that really got me was how little they used to think of women back then, and how much and how little has changed since then.  It sickens me slightly to think that men thought that women's finite energy resources were mostly used up by menstruation and reproductive function, so that little remained for intellectual thought, and women were discouraged from developing their minds and using their brains, for fear of exhaustion or inducing oligo/amenorrhoea.  I suppose I live in a very tolerant society, accepting that women can enter most roles in society now.  The gender pay gap is 16-55% difference, depending where you look, and yet people never realise it.


Doctors used to believe that girls were claiming anorexia nervosa for attention, and they found it hard to reconcile their professional and personal beliefs.  And also the issue of gynaecology... how it was seen as a whole speciality with much to delve into, because women's temperament and disease was thought to be due to dysfunction of the reproductive system.


I don't want to write about feminism, or anti-feminism.  That's not my thing.  But I really admire men who enter the field of obstetrics and gynaecology.  The ones I have thusfar come across have been nothing but professional, whether there is a patient present or not, and they earn my lasting gratitude, with my asking silly questions and letting me see them section or examine patients, or indeed, letting me examine patients myself.  Whilst there are male dominant specialities, like surgery (because only men used to be allowed to study medicine and surgery), I like that there is a breakdown of this previous thought, and more women can become surgeons, and more men can become obstetricians and gynaecologists (I pick this speciality as it has been long associated with female doctors).


And as to the issue of whether or not women and men are complimentary to each other... well, I personally believe that in a couple, this can be true.  It is certainly true in mine.  And whilst women fight so hard for our rights and to be treated totally equally, I once had a discussion with my boyfriend about this... I can't remember all the details but I do remember thinking how lucky I was to be studying medicine, a topic in which he does not have the upper hand.


I feel... not stupid, but just very lacking in knowledge when we talk about topics like politics and economics and philosophy and history.  Without wanting to show off how knowledgeable he is, I'd say he has the best grasp of history, both ancient, medieval and contemporary, of anybody I know.  And that is saying something, seeing people discuss in the history of medicine course.  I wish I was more intelligent, and yet I know I wouldn't be happy with someone who could never teach me more about the world and about the history and future of it.


Anyway, so we had a reading about women in the sick role and women in the nervous role (Elaine Showalter) and it made me really angry to read it.  Obviously I can look back with retrospect, but I know those attitudes described in her chapter would not be accepted today.  I don't feel like men truly understand what women endure.  Simple things like period pain is something I cannot find a parallel for in normal male physiology.  It really hurts sometimes and it lasts several days, and women have been scorned for a long time for being dirty because of menstruation.  There has been a long discussion about female labour, and men receiving testicular trauma.  I know neither can experience the other, but I really believe that women have a harder time.


An issue that came up was gender reversal and sex.  I have always known that gender is something that society assigns (makes sense, right?) and the majority of people do conform to the expectations of their sex.  But having homosexuals does not been there has been a societal breakdown.  I do not think badly of gay men or lesbian women.  I know that people have their own desires, and they have freedom of thought and wants.  I wouldn't be uncomfortable with two men kissing in my presence, or two women kissing in my presence, although the latter is something that a lot of men I know find weirdly a turn on.  I accept that people choose to be this way, and that it is not wrong in the slightest.  And I find it discriminatory that people judge against them, just by their being who they are.


I am not sure what the point of this post is, but it's time for bed now...


xo

google images

two books that changed my life

Three summers ago, I went to a bookshop, in search of reading material.  There was a 3 for 2 deal on, and I'd chosen two books, and I saw "The God Delusion" on the shelves.  I had heard of it, and so bought it to see what the fuss was about.  The first time I read it, it took me a long time, because I didn't understand a lot of the concepts, or I wouldn't let myself understand them (I'm not sure which).  I saw it more of a discourse, rather than a life changing book, and I know that we have the right to free speech here, and I saw it as a written extension of that.  I don't like rocking the waters and inviting controversy into my life.

from google images

And yet, moving to university, especially one that focusses heavily on science and technology, I began to understand that people who are scientists come to slowly understand how the world works, and understand that there is no Divine Intervention.  My relgious beliefs were aleady sitting uneasily with me, yet I was reluctant to let go.  I knew I didn't believe in the majority of it, but I was reluctant to believe that there is nothing in this world that makes it feasible for there to be no Higher Being.


And so, reading this book again, I found one of the key concepts very interesting and taking about a week to read it (I used to read slow), I slowly came to the realisation that I had already let go of religion, but I was clinging more to its ideal.  And this is why I consider this book to be instrumental in my life (life changing, you'd say).


I don't want to offend anyone religious or who is a follower of any religion.  I respect their beliefs, and I feel that people should be allowed to believe and feel what they want.  People may think that it's wrong and false, but I hope that I have never acted in a way that made anyone think that I actively extol the advantage of being atheist, and if I have done so, I am sorry: I did it without knowing the impact of my actions.


There is one other book that changed who I am, and I will remember it for the very very rest of my life.  It's called "A Million Little Pieces" and is a book I initially found very hard to understand, and I think I have written about it here before.

from google images

Every single time I read it, it makes me cry several times.  It is the harsh experience of a drug addict going through rehab, and it is truly harrowing and haunting.  It challenged my prejudices, and helped me to understand more.  Because of this book, I now respect my body in the sense that I don't give it medication.  It taught me the importance of taking chances that come to you, and further soldified the idea that we should not regret. (again, something I have repeated often) But the opening story (I forget all the details) describe someone who has broken something into "a million little pieces" and he asks someone to help him fix it, but he says no, it's broken beyond repair, it's "a million little pieces".  It's truly moving.


More so than any book, I feel like this one has really changed me.  I actually bought this book on Valentine's Day (I confess the real reason is because I saw it in the shop and it glittered, as if there were a million stars on it) and started to read it.  I found the style quite different, and didn't read it again for a few months.  I don't regret that.  I read it at a particularly emotionally challenging time in my life and I feel like it helped me to put things into perspective.

of friends, and old friends

Had a weird dream just before I woke, and have time to myself as the boy is still asleep and I am waiting for my hair to dry.


I was reading my messages, as it was my birthday, and I had one from a guy I was on firms with, D.  He had sent me a message, not acknowledging my birthday, but merely to ask me if I wanted to headline his festival that he was organising.  I thought, OK, I know of some good bands that I can suggest and ask them, because I don't play any instruments and I don't sing all that good.  The gig was going to be on Valentine's Day, 14th February, but the fact that it was Valentine's Day wasn't bothering me.

So I emailed some bands.  Random Hand and Mouthwash came to mind, because although I have not seen them or heard their music, my friend T loooves them, and that's why they got suggested.  So I checked their myspaces, and saw one of them had a gig on 15th Feb, so they'd be more likely to do one on the 14th, so I sent them a message asking so.


Then I was at home, though it was a place I feel as though I have never been to.  It was Feb 13th, and D had sent me another message, saying that he had to pay money for some artists to perform at his festival, and didn't have enough for the headliner, he still hadn't had one, it was still listed as "special guest headliner" but he reallllly needed one.  I had to go and meet T, to ask her about her progress with convincing RH/M to perform.  Instead of using my own car, my dad dropped me off in a carpark, where I saw T right in the corner, peeking out of a blue car.  I said, "that's her that's her!" and ran out of the car.


So we were talking for a while, and then I was aware that I was in this very beautiful room, akin to the decor inside the V&A....

I was sat at a table with R, trying to explain something to him, but I kept being distracted by a couple sat on a table behind R.  They were both people I know, one very well, but both not anymore.  She had decreased in attractiveness, although still quite pretty, and she was wearing a pale coloured dress.  He however had dyed his hair so that it was dark brown and was wearing a suit and looked very smart.  I kept remarking that he was good looking, and he was giving such a look of adoration to his dining partner, as maybe happened in life.  I always thought there was a flirtiness between them.


-----


The reason I feel it fitting to write this dream, though it might not be so interesting, is because the boy is someone who was instrumental at one point in my life, though he will never know it, and whilst I have not spoken to him of late or even recent late, maybe I will go say hello!




All images found via google images

i just want you for my own...

 I haven't written in a while, due to several reasons.  Firstly, I had a poster presentation to work for, and a busy last week of term.  My poster was on the global burden of disease of Haemophilus influenzae type b) and we were all nervous... :/  It went well though, and that's one coursework out of the way for this module.  Anyway, afterwards, we went to A's and watched Moulin Rouge which  I liked; very musical although the ending was a bit... odd.  She dies and then he writes a story... kinda a bit anti-climactic though I guess the climax is when she dies?  A's flat is beautiful though.. very spacious and open and big too!!!  I want a flat like that. We wanted to watch He's Just Not That Into You, based on a dating advice book, which I didn't much care for, because a) I don't need dating advice and b) I find those self help type books boring and a bit too New Age-y for me.  But the disc I burnt it on wasn't recognised by A's DVD player :( .... another time though.


Had a lovely Christmas... we had a lovely Christmas lunch and some family time.  That's what Christmas means to me: a day to spend time with your family.  We don't give presents, especially not anymore.  It makes me very sad how everything is becoming commercialised... I don't believe in that.  If I need something, it doesn't get dressed up as a present from my parents unless it's my birthday.  Since when did the birth of Jesus become a day where people eat way too much and fight to buy the best presents?  Now whilst I never claimed to be religious, I still think we should respect all religions.  And Christmas Day is a day where Christians across the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  I don't think that Jesus would have advocated the mass commercialisation of Christmas, how everything becomes about the presents and/or getting drunk... how Black Friday marks the start of the Christmas season in America... how Selfridge's set up a Christmas display in August.  It's crazy and blown totally out of proportion.  What would have our ancestors thought?


So, didn't get presents.. standard.  I don't really get them anymore and I have been slacking on the "buy the boyfriend gifts" front, though to be fair, he didn't get me anything either.  We've both been so busy, he with his trips away and thesising post-doctoring and earning £2000 on the side, and I with my tons of work and domestic stuff.


Braved the sales today.  I got this coat... been wanting it for ages.

(C) Carol, October 2009

Got some brown boots, and some books. :)  No new phone yet, but am reachable still.. using my mummy's phone.  My sister was looking for a dress today, so I thought I'd try some on.  Got excited when I fit into a size 4 one, then my mummy turned to say, "yeah, don't trust what it says on the label, it's different in different shops".  And before you go on at me for the size 4 thing.. don't.


Er... this post has been edited over several days, not sure if I mentioned this: been working lots.  I have this guilt that I carry around with me if I skip a day of uni related work, and P has long been witness to this behaviour.  I guess it was the way I was brought up: my parents encouraged me to put studying and education before everything else, even health, such that I was never allowed to take a day off school when I was younger.  Not that I had any inclination to.  It never occurred to me that I could say, "mommmm, I feel so illlll, pleeease let me have a day off school?"  And obviously I skipped lectures in first year of uni, maybe about 10?  And lots in second year, but all was in cause of doing my own work.  And yes yes, during firms I skipped a tiny bit (haha) in favour of doing my own work and finding people to practice examinations on.


So I try to do at least a tiny bit everyday (even Christmas Day... I wrote something up).  I hate feeling like this.  And consequently during the summer (which has ever only been my time off uni/school - I used to revise during Christmas and Easter at school too - I feel so... bored.  Thankful for the time off, and yet bored.  So I do little projects. (NON work related, I hasten to add!)


Am I weird...? :-(  I am going to blame the Chinese work ethic.  For as long as I remember, my parents always gave everything they did 110%.  I never used to understand it when people would say, "oh I gave it 110%" or some number >100.  But I really do now.  Pushing yourself beyond what you know and think you can do.  Because, if someone else can do it, you can do it too. :-)


I mean, I try to take time off.  During term, I would take Saturday morning and afternoon off and go out.  That's enough right?


Feel like my posts are so rambly and boring... I need to increase my readership, over 0.  Oh, I found something on the BBC describing this decade in 100 words and in a portrait.  For my part, 2009 has shown me, in very loose phrases, just who my real friends are, and just what I am capable of.  I shall try and write once more before 2009 is over, and explain in further detail.




xo

LP & Sailor Mars

I dreamt I was watching people playing lacrosse, and a lacrosse player, whom I vaguely know in real life, came over to me in the break to talk to me and R.  I had a blue coat and a red hat on, and he told me my red hat looked cute.  We were in a field, and it was sunny, kind of like that early morning sun look.

After the game had finished, we went home and the lacrosse player, whom I shall call LP as I don't want to divulge his real name, joined us.  Then we got on the bus, and my oyster card had no travelcard or money on it, so I stood aside to let others touch in, and I got my purse out and found a £2 coin and paid for my bus fare.  Then I had to stand on the bus; I was in front of me, and I spoke to her a little bit, then I was like, "where's LP?"  I looked around and he wasn't there; then I could see him running on the street outside to the next bus stop to try and hail the bus... to no avail, so he ran onto the next one where he managed to get on, and for some reason I felt relieved.  He once again remarked how cute my red hat was; it was a fleecy material and covered my ears but not my sight.

We alighted at a tube station, and Rob suddenly reappeared.  I then kind of disappeared from my dream.  Then the three of us touched in at the barriers, and LP and I were going on one line, and Rob was going on another, so we said our goodbyes, and R went down some stairs.  So as LP and I were walking towards the escalator, he turned and kissed me, even though I knew he had a girlfriend.  Then we walked on, went down the escalator and towards the platform, where we met R again.


--


I was helping these parents and children get into their wanted nurseries.  Jack Bauer and his little daughter wanted Kensington, and she'd done all sorts of tests and gotten lots of certificates, whereas another lady, whose name I don't remember and her daughter also wanted Kensington, and were worried that because the daughter's test scores and inteviews "weren't the best in history", she wouldn't get to go into Kensington.  Then I had a dance class at 2, all the girls were lined up, and someone tried to use their ID card to swipe in, except it set this alarm off.  So we all moved away, in case people thought we'd set the alarm off.  The next day, I had my Sailor Mars outfit on, and it was the day that the parents would find out which nursery their children would get into.  Jack Bauer found out in the morning, and got Hammersmith, which is the one he wanted for his daughter, not Kensington.


So I went to the other lady, and asked her, but she didn't know.  She told me that lots of other people knew already, and she was worried as she hadn't received a letter or an email or anything.  So I took her code, and went to a computer room and asked some guys to check it out for me.  The result was Kensington; by this point, loads of people were anxious to know for this lady and her daughter, and I was like, "she got Kensington!"  So we ran back down the hall to this lady, and I told her, then she started crying, in relief, and so did I, and I told her I was proud of her.


I was late for my dance class again, as were a number of other girls.  We had to walk through this lecture hall, with the audience full, and someone asked me what costume I was wearing.  I shouted "Sailor Mars!" and she was like, "Moon?"  So I said, "No!  MARS!" feeling a little stupid.

We rang the buzzer for the class, outside this building, and someone answered,then one of the girls said this code phrase, something about Mr Freeze from 60's Batman, except she got it wrong, but the person on the end of the phone knew what she meant, so let us in.  Then we went to change into these tops and skirts for dance class, except mine didn't fit :(








Images 1 and 2: googleimages
Image 3: my own