birthday!

It's my birthday!!!  Celebrated by going to lectures then Starbucks, and had a traditional lunch and am just waiting for my dinner.  But in all seriousness, I celebrated it last week with my friends, and last month with my family.  I(think)'ve got most of my presents.. spent a disproportionate amount of time looking for a dress yesterday.  I feel like my life needs to be more girly.. it doesn't feel like it is at the moment.

I feel like I have left my teens for real now.  When you're 21, you can still claim to be a teen.. I always associated being 21 with a "let's party!" age.  Now I'm properly in my 20's.  But being 21 was fun.  Some of the things that stood out for me this year: I helped to deliver a baby on my 21st birthday. I helped to deliver several babies, and got to be assistant surgeon.  I got mentioned in the acknowledgements in P's thesis. (I have an irrational worry of being forgotten when I am no longer alive.. so in some small way, I will be remembered).  I've achieved more of my goals to do before I'm 30. I got a BSc in Medical Sciences with Reproductive and Developmental Science. I read a book that changed my outlook on life.  I learnt significantly more about what will happen in the future. I had many many good times with my friends and family, and learnt who I could and couldn't trust, and who my real friends were.

Whilst I worry about getting old ( I have about £x of products I regularly use right now.  is that too much?), I'm excited about what this year is going to bring.  Age is just a number and all that matters is what you do with the time that you have.

5 years ago, I only had vague ideas and vague dreams about where my life was going.

Vitalise, 2005


(C) Carol, 2005

Now I know where I'm going :-)

short hair, home, 2010
(C) Carol, 2010

Carol
x o x o

PS. Some pictures from A's & my birthday meal. Credit R & A, 2010.

♥ this photo

I like the way this picture turned out :)

Hawaii's Stairway to Heaven - insider knowledge

If you have googled some variation of some aspect of the Haiku Stairs, otherwise known as the Stairway to Heaven, and you have stumbled across this blog, please know that this is my personal blog.  This is an email from my boyfriend, who succeeded in climbing said Stairs in Oahu (Hawaii) on 26 July 2010.  This is exactly what he wrote... I hope this helps you if you're thinking of climbing the Stairs!! Good luck. Carol

My beautiful kitten, 

I just had the most awesome hike.

The Haiku Stairs is a huge set of metal stairs built going up a 900m-high peak on Oahu. The trail was originally built back in the 40's to install a radio station at the top of the island; a radio station so powerful that it could communicate with /underwater submarines in Tokyo Bay/! There are about 4000 stairs going along a ridge line, featuring some almost-vertical climbs; the fact that the top is usually shrouded in cloud earned the trail the name of the 'Stairway to Heaven'. Along the way up you are rewarded with the most spectacular views of the geography of Oahu.

Despite the trail being in very good condition (they spent a million dollars on fixing it up a few years ago), there are a few wealthy residents in the vicinity that have an intense irrational dislike of hikers and have a senator on their side. So while the trail itself is on public land, it has been closed off for many years now, because the city cannot arrange a public right-of-way to the trailhead past these selfish bastards and their bought-out senator.  Moreover, these same idiots have made an excellent campaign to wipe out all information on how to access the trailhead, even going so far as to make lawsuits against websites that advise unobtrusive and sensitive hikers to trespass across their land to get to the trailhead for this awesome hike.  Of course, the combination of unparalleled beauty and political controversy have made it an object of interest to hikers both native and foreign. There have been a few parties from the hostel that have attempted to find the trailhead, but none were successful.

I was interested in doing it, but it would be no fun on my own; the logistics of attempting an illegal hike wouldn't make it worth my while. But the night before last I got talking to these two Canadian girls, and we sort of convinced each other to give it a go, despite our unexpressed misgivings.  Having decided to hike it, I decided that I would do things properly, unlike the failures and losers in the other parties that went out. So I spent the day before at various libraries around town, consulting topographic maps, satellite photography, google earth, and googling furiously for any hints as to the easiest way to the trailhead from the various blog accounts on the net. It was fairly obvious from the satellite imagery that you have to access the trailhead from a dirt track running under the freeway; the question was how to access that dirt track from somewhere you could drive to.  Piecing together various clues on the net, I enumerated several choices; you can access it from the freeway itself, by jumping over the rail on the side and climbing down (but a taxi won't do that for you); you can cut through a high fence with barbed wire in the estate of the idiots who have made it illegal, but they apparently let vicious dogs to roam at night to deter innocent hikers, and that route also requires you to hack through a dense bamboo forest in the dark. That didn't sound particularly appealing. The third choice I gleaned from my researches was that the dirt track could be accessed by skulking through the grounds first of an evangelical church, and then through the grounds of the state mental hospital. Evaluating the options, I decided on the third, as the worst I expected to face was a bored human security guard, and if they kicked us out for trespassing I would revert to the second option. The worst outcome I had heard of was one hiker who got arrested for trespassing, spent a day in a jail cell with a Samoan murderer, and had had to pay a $250 fine; even he said it had been worth it.

So I went to sleep at 0015 and rose again at 0230 to set out. It was my good self and the two Canadian girls; three other people from the hostel had expressed much interest, but my instincts told me they were all talk and no trousers, and I was right. At 0345, we deployed at the street entrance of the church complex, and began our quest. Skulking along, sticking to the dark, unlit sections of the compound, we edged our way by compasswork to the fence we would have to climb. At one point we saw the white pickup truck of the security guard a few hundred metres in the distance, but we were well hidden in the darkness, and he passed without molesting us. When we got to the fence, our hearts lifted; it turned out to be pretty easy. It was only twice my height, and made of chain link that was easy to grip with a hiking boot. Before too long we had penetrated to the dirt track, with the minimum of fuss; I was glad I had spent those hours doing my homework.

Navigating along by my compass, with the H-3 freeway towering above our heads, we set out along the dirt track to find the trailhead. It was lightly grassed with occasional batches of shrubs, but it was fairly straightforward to work through. We found the trailhead at about 0430. Ignoring the 'Danger: trail is closed, trespassers will be prosecuted', we scaled a few more chain link fences, and there were the stairs. The stairs themselves are narrow, about 40cm across, and steep; most stairs lie at 45 degrees, and in parts they are vertical, so the trail there consists of ladders rather than stairs. There are 3922 stairs, and the hike itself is hard going, but we were amply rewarded for our exertions by the sight of the sun rising over the east coast of Oahu.  The best views were offered at an observation deck about three quarters of the way up, as above that the mountain thrust into the clouds, and the visibility plummeted in proprtion. Having taken our photos of the golden dawn, we pressed on, to the old radio base at the top. There, we talked with a few of the other early risers and asked them about the route they took and how they had come here; many were carrying machetes as long as my arm, and discussed the difficulty of hacking through the dense bamboo forest. We stayed for a while among the clouds, and watched the play of the vapour and the sun; it oscillated between dense fog and a light mist through which you could see the coast, at which point everyone breaks out their cameras again. After resting on the top, we started the descent, which offered even more spectacular views as we left the cloudbase and the sun shifted across the sky to illuminate the volcanic craters and ridges that comprise the island.

I should have mentioned before that the trailhead itself is watched by a private security guard from 0600 to 1800, and since we were descending long after his arrival, I was worried about if he would give us grief for our evident trespassing. I shouldn't have worried; his job was only to turn away hikers attempting to start the climb once he was there, and he had no instructions to interfere with those who were trying to leave. He was actually a very nice man, with a very easy job; he said that I was the second best-dressed hiker he had ever seen, with the first being a girl in a short-skirted dress. We egressed via a different route to the one we had come in, as the church services had started; fortunately, navigating through the woods near the church was much easier in the daytime, and so we had no problem hitting the road again. We had done it! We returned to a triumphant welcome at the hostel, just in time for breakfast, and to arouse envy in the people that had bailed on me.

Hope you are okay and tales of my travels cheer you up a little :-)

All my love

P

yy

SOOO jealous.
Carol xoxo 

same old thing happens every night

Had a lovely birthday celebration with some friends on Tuesday: thankyou to A for 'co-hosting' it for me and for buying me an awesome gift.  I hope you like what I got for you.  I have no idea where my phone is, but the presents you got me are perfect =)  We went to Cote in Covent Garden (there's a hat on the "o", which indicates a missing letter.  Just like fenetre is derived from fenestra), which was really good: the food was lovely, it wasn't expensive, they were really nice for booking a table, but then the manager proceeded to use my name every time he spoke to me.  There was great chat, particularly between D and I, for many reasons.  We always have good chat. ♥


Lots of people were dressed really smartly and/or summery.. probably initiated by R wearing a waistcoat, and I initiating a pink theme.  I fit into both categories by wearing a pink dress from F21 that P bought for me from Texas, which was sort of smart.  The photos I have seen thusfar make me look questionable... I wish I could tan better (I used to be able to) so now I look really white.  Not to sound vain or anything but I used to believe I was vaguely and slightly photogenic.  Now I just feel like I look less photogenic and by extension, less pretty.  People have potential to look good, and I don't use mine.  Maybe it's just because my weight/image issues have been on my mind a lot more recently.


I love a good excuse to get dressed up.  It always takes me ages to get ready in the morning, not because I'm not a morning person but because I can never decide what to wear and I am always doing stuff.  I don't sit down to eat breakfast: I am either sorting notes out or my clothes, or tidying up or cleaning or using lotion or cream etc etc.  I dislike 18 hour days.


I also got so many lovely gifts - really really wasn't expecting it.  There was a group card going around the table "subtly" which had the best card design ever.  It was of Chinese/Russian hybrid dolls (makes me want mixed race children!)  Everyone also sung "happy birthday": embarrassed me but thankyou anyway.  I got lots of lovely things.  To reiterate what A said, presents are sometimes really hit and miss.  There are always generic girl gifts, like jewellery, or bath/beauty stuff, or candles, or vouchers.  But I like it when people put effort in or ask me what I want.  Whilst I do feel selfish for asking for things, I do accept that some people want me to actively like what they got me.


I am a bit of a girly girl, but there isn't a generic "go to" gift if you were in doubt.  I don't know.. I should probably stop talking about it now.  It's continued from my feeling sad on Sunday, and realising there are still a lot of things I need to do in order to become a fraction of the person I want to be.


But there was photo taking and birthday merriment, and many laughs and gossiping (standard between D and I) and fun ideas and recognition that my hair dye actually worked.  I dyed it "black cherry" and like last time, it shows up under bright light, and probably like last time, will last significantly past the 28 washes and will remain in my hair until it gets chopped off.  I ♥ my friends lots and lots: I love birthdays.  Not for the present receiving thing, but because it makes the celebrator happy.  There haven't been all that many birthday celebrations this year, not that I can remember.  (If there have, please forgive my massive oversight).


All in all, it was a lovely birthday celebration with A, hers late, mine early.  It served as an amazing substitute for not seeing my family on my birthday.  I could tolerate Easter without my family (I have done so already) and at a push, I could go without seeing my family for Christmas, but birthdays are a big thing for my family (well, relatively).  I've been with my family for every single one of my 21 birthdays, and this is the first one without them.  Seeing my friends was great.


I also rang my parents, and they told me about the first part of my birthday gift.  It was a lovely surprise, particularly because I got lots of things from my first birthday party.  It's probably the best gift ever.  ♥


Carol
xxoo


PS.  I think we need to have a dinner party upon P's return.  Looks like there will be months and months worth of good stories!  I have not edited the emails, only the names and some soppy romantic stuff that I am not comfortable sharing with the world.


PPS. Do the numbers and names of rifles etc mean anything?  Is it a boy thing?  Let me know!!! xxoo

Hey kitten :-)

Yay, glad to hear you had a nice day. What were you laughing about? 

I started off not liking Hawaii but it is picking up. My first impressions were that the natural environment is very beautiful, but the built environment is absolutely awful; the Americans are utterly incapable of putting a structure together in a functional or beautiful way. It's just one big long mass of parking lots, high-rise apartment buildings, car dealerships, MacDonalds drive throughs, and malls. After I've been here a few days, though, I found that the people in the hostel are really nice (except when they vomit on my rucksack .. ) and am getting into the laid-back vibe of the place.  (Actually, most people here are total stoners, whose only apparent obligation in life is to wake up in the morning.) 

On the first day I got myself oriented and explored the place; Waikiki beach is spectacularly beautiful, and I can see why it is the most famous beach in the world. On the second day, I spent the whole day at Pearl Harbour, visiting the USS Arizona, the USS Bowfin, and the USS Missouri museums. (One is a wreck of a ship the Japs sunk in Pearl Harbour, one is a submarine that killed lots of Japs in the Pacific, and one is the battleship on which the treaty ending WW2 was signed.) On the third day I went shopping (the first time since I left London) since I needed a few things: my headtorch broke, one pair of light pants ripped badly, and my camelbak started leaking, so I bought replacements for all those things.  And today I went diving off the south coast; we dived the wreck of the Sea Tiger, which was absolutely awesome. We got to do some wreck penetration, which I really love, and we saw white-tip sharks, a giant green turtle (twice as big as the ones in Japan), a spotted ray, a pod of about 100 dolphins, loads of eels, ... it was great. So tomorrow I signed up to go diving again, this time on the wreck of the YO-257, a Navy refuelling vessel that was sunk a few years back. Hopefully it will be awesome.

As for the medium-term plans, on Sunday I am going shooting with an NRA instructor; there are loads of rifle ranges on the main strip that cater for tourists, where you can fire off a few rounds from some famous rifles, but they are phenomenally expensive and the ranges are tiny. Instead, I got in touch with the local rifle clubs and they hooked me up with this fellow.  Apparently all I have to pay for is the ammunition I use, which is sweet. He said he has a Winchester M1914 and an M1 Garand, so I'm really looking forward to it. After that I might go parasailing or hiking around .. we'll see.  I'll spend maybe 10 days here in total before moving on to another island.

I hope my beautiful kitten is keeping well and not missing me too much.  And yes, you can thieve my heat when I get back :-)

All my love, for years and years of laughter and joy

P

----------------- 

My dearest kitten,

Yesterday I went shooting! I was picked up by an NRA instructor with all of his rifles and we drove out to the range. I had never been somewhere where high-calibre rifles were being fired continuously .. but I soon got used to it. We spent 5 hours there and the time just flew; I barely noticed it ticking away. We started off with the .22 semi-automatic, and I fired a few hundred rounds in that. He was amazed that after about an hour with the rifle I was putting every round in the black at 50 yards. Then we moved on, first to a 7.62x39 SKS, then to a .30-06 M1 Garand, and finally a .30-06 Winchester M1917. I currently have a bruise the size of my fist on my right shoulder .. the .30-06 rifles are fecking cannons. I was really pleased with my shooting: after a few rounds with the Garand, I was hitting a 2ft x 2ft steel plate at 200 yards 8 times out of 8 with iron sights (not a scope)! He even started asking me if I was lying about my previous experience, hehe.  I really enjoy shooting; I think I will try to keep it up properly when I get back home.

I will be home soon, because I know that kittens cannot fend for themselves for very long. I love you more than I can say .. I can't wait to hold you again. I am so grateful that you bring such joy to my life :-)

All my love, for years and years

P

you know i'd fight for you

Just got back from hanging out at a friend's house: it was lovely but I think I've had my fill of watching boys playing console games for a little bit.


One of the things I hate most, more than my issues with my weight/image and weight in general... is crying in front of people.  I've just had an emotional few days, in more ways than one, and it probably wasn't helped by the fact that things from the past are coming back to remind me of things.  There must be like 2 people in the world I would be comfortable shedding tears in front of, family excluded.  It's a very vulnerable thing and a very personal thing for me... I dislike feeling sad, and sometimes just need to cry to let my many emotions out.  I hate feeling like this and I don't know what to do.


I dislike crying in front of people, or being really vulnerable.. it provokes very odd responses in people, some expected and some not so expected.  I used to hide from my boy when I wanted to cry.. I'd just go hide in the bathroom and cry whilst running the taps in the sink so that he couldn't hear.. well, he found me out soon enough :/


Usually when I feel sad, I just wait to let it pass, but this time it feels different.  Not like teary eyes, but like, full on tears on cheeks sort of thing.  This must be a very soppy and a too emotional post, and I might delete it later if I feel unhappy about it later.


I haven't cried for a few months, and haven't felt the need to.  I really really felt like I needed to cry today - I felt really down about a lot of things, some of which were brought up in conversation, and some of which were not.  I am not a fan of negative emotion, so again, I ran to the bathroom and cried a bit - it was very cathartic but the issues are all still there.  Well, since I was with guys, I didn't think it was appropriate to interrupt their activities and say, I feel sad.


I hate being snappy with people; 99.9% of the time I know I am doing it, and usually it is hormone related.  I don't MEAN IT!!!!!  A lot of things are now different too much too soon in my life and I think I am reacting to it very badly.  One of the things I admire P most of all is his unflappability (is that even a word?) and it is further highlighted by the fact that I react to certain situations in a really bad way, and I thought I'd gotten better at it whilst he was away, so that there would not be such an imbalance upon his return.  Well, I was... until today.


So in lieu of his being here, he being the one I share everything, and all my innermost secrets with, I set up a second blog, whose existence is so that I can get my emotion out there somehow, and compartmentalise it somehow and get over it.


I'm having a birthday celebration with a friend on Tuesday, and whilst a part of me likes receiving gifts and the like.. the other and larger part of me is actually grateful for getting gifts.  I have never ever ever reacted badly to receiving a gift, and have never faked the feelings I've felt about getting them.  It's lovely that people actually go out of their way to go and get something, no matter what it is.  Whilst I might not make use of all the gifts I have ever used, I have never given them away, thrown them away, broken them or anything.  I keep them all in one place.  So I probably could have dealed with that a lot better.. I don't want to make people get the things I want them to get.. that's incredibly selfish and I don't want to be like that anymore (or try to anyway).  The spoilt part of me is lesser now, not gone but not dominant... and I hate that I act like that.  Sorry :(


I also feel stupidly unattractive for reasons so ludicrous sounding I don't even want to write it here.  I dislike direct comparisons to my appearance / weight / etc - it knocks a bit off my self confidence and makes me a bit down.  I hate that I still haven't come to terms with my weight issues, but I am not sure anything external can make it any different - it has to come from within.. and it's more than just "... so do it then".. it's some psychological thing :(


:(


Contrary to popular belief, I CAN keep secrets - I can't tell if my friends are being serious or not when they talk about this, but I CAN.  I know I've not done so in the past, but that's in the past.  What has happened is something I cannot change.  But what I CAN change is what happens in the future.  Since being told of my secret spilling months ago, I haven't told any secrets that I have been trusted to keep - A told me not to tell anyone something they told me, and true to my word, I have NOT done so.  And I keep my own secrets - I do share everything with P, nearly every everything, but there are still some things I keep to myself.  I keep his secrets faithfully, I keep some of his opinions secret.  And a lot of the secrets I do keep are ones that have ability to change my life in some way, good or bad.


My mum had a big operation a few weeks ago, which I might have talked about?, but she understood that one of the risks was a stroke and/or death.  In light of this, she decided to tell me a lot of things over a very short period of time, about my life, about my parents' stories and past and childhood and impart wise words (not all of which I can articulate in English.  I can speak Chinese a little bit, enough to get by, and I understand it and again, contrary to popular belief, there are some words I say in Chinese as I don't know the English equivalent).  I think it was both recognition of her operation and in recognition that she understood that I have grown up (a little bit) and that I was capable of keeping these secrets and a non verbal sign that she trusted me to keep them for her.  It hurts a lot to not be able to be there with her in her post recovery period.  There is no feasible time during term time that I can go home for a decent length of time that would make the travelling worthwhile, and the more time I spend away from home, the more I realise just what it means to me.


I need to make a late New Years Resolution.  I AM going to be a better person by the time P comes home.  "Better" is a very subjective term, but I will know for myself.


I hate crying, and I hate being not enough a big person to be able to handle all of this properly.


I am such a loser.

further consolidation that reindeer are real

50% done with Pathology.. sort of scary how quick it has gone!!!  Had many fun 'laugh until I cry moments' this week - I love my friends.  Today, I was telling I about places to go and visit, and she didn't know where many of them were, and A went, "you can go to Iceland and see Father Christmas and his reindeer and ride in his his sled!"  She insisted that someone had told her this in all seriousness, and this then sparked off a whole long conversation interspersed with much laughter, about Lapland, Iceland, poor knowledge of geography, Father Christmas and where he lives (if he's real.. which he isn't), my finding out that reindeer are actually real (only found out 2 years ago) and clinics in the Antarctic.  Hehe.   ♥  As you can tell, a lot of the conversations we have are very random and probably nonsensical to people not participating in said conversation, but it provides much needed light hearted relief.  And it's nice to know I don't have the monopoly on the ditzy prize.


Apparently, reindeer ARE real.  I have never seen one in real life, so this may just be a conspiracy.  They weren't there that time I went to London Zoo.

In other news, P is in Hawaii, doing touristy stuff and some adventure sports.  It will be a miracle if he stays within his 'holiday' allocated budget.  I spent some time yesterday looking for a hair color dye to change to and, after a lot of deliberation, found one.  Other than that, I have a big sleep deficiency.. only sleeping 6 hours a night (compared to my past 8 or 9 hours) :/  And I have too much to do to pay off the sleep debt :(

Hope you are all well!

Carol

xo


PS. There's a make up range which makes a moisturiser I had about 5 years ago, and never been able to find it since.  Now I know the answer - I must go to Italy to buy it..?!?!!!!!!

what's the use in you denying that what you have is wrong

I love having conversations with a group of people which over arch.  Sometimes I flit between conversations with the group of people I am with, and have a conversation with one person whilst the rest are having a conversation about something which I I guess people might find it annoying, but it's just part of who I am.  I guess I have too many thoughts to share. (?)

There's a dress up day at the end of the course, so we were talking about costumes.  I spent about 5 minutes crying with laughter at a "peanut" idea.. literally crying and wiping away tears... I must just be very easily amused.  I've not dressed up for ages... I still have my Sailor Mars costume hanging in my wardrobe... the basic dress part is similar to what Japanese girls wear to school.  I'd fully wear mine if it had a longer skirt and didn't look so anime - cartoon-like.

I also got a wedding IOU from R.  I don't know why I want to go to weddings so much.  I guess because it's a public declaration of love, and I've never been to one before.  They always seem a bit exciting to me, from what I have seen on TV and in films and so on, with everyone dressing up smart.  I love a good excuse to dress up.  Not that I can do it, but hey.  I also want to see all my close friends happily married, and in love.  No one I've known has ever gotten married, or I've had other commitments when I've been invited. (All 1 time but I was the +1).  I just spoke to P via facebook chat (a rarity) and made him promise to send me an invite to his wedding.  His reply was that there was a very high chance that I would have a starring role.  But he promised to send me an invite nonetheless. :-D

xoxo

i am insanely jealous....

....of this lifestyle.

 

(as always, names changed to initials)

Sorry for not writing more lately! It has been very hard to find any privacy or extended internet access to write you any email. G has just a USB dongle (we know how well they work) and is limited to the princely sum of 200Mb/month! So I basically had no net access and so had to suffice with loving you nonverbally.

I have had a wonderful time here; G is probably the closest member of my family in personality/temperament/interests to me. She nearly did a PhD in genetics (the funding ran out halfway through) and is a dedicated hiker/outdoorsy person. So we have had a lot to get on about and a lot to talk about. I haven't seen her in over four years, but we hit it off with no problems whatsoever. It's been fun!

I can't honestly remember the last time I wrote to you properly -- I told you about the mycologists on Queenstown Hill? And the crazy German girl at Milford Sound who started screaming? If not I will tell you next time. Anyway, I took the bus from Queenstown to Franz Josef to go hiking the glacier. I arrived in around 1500 and immediately went hiking around some of the walks that give you a nice view of it with a French girl I had met on the bus. Franz Josef is a real one-horse, blink-and-you-miss-it kind of town. Anyway, I got up ridiculously early to watch the Spain-Germany game and then went for the guided hike on, in, and around the glacier itself. It was really stunningly beautiful; hiking on the ice is really good fun, and squeezing your way through wormholes, tunnels, and crevasses was an excellent use of my time.  It was fairly easy going: the hiking was very easy, as a lot of the time you were stood around enjoying the scenery while the guide was there with a pick carving out the steps for you to take. But you wouldn't believe it if you heard the other people on the hike in the hostel afterwards! You'd swear they were the invalid ward from the Somme or something, the way they were carrying on about their legs and their knees and their blisters. A big bunch of crybabies and wussies: we only walked about 15km.

A funny thing happened in Franz Josef; I met a guy I knew back in school! I hadn't seen him in about 8 years, and there he was, not only on the other side of the globe, not only in the same one-horse town, but the same fecking hostel on the same night. He only lives about 5 minutes away in Knocnacarra. Madness. I can't wait to get away from all of these fecking Irish people about the place. Half of the fecking Republic is over here.

Then I took the bus from Franz Josef to Nelson, which took about 12 hours. It should only have taken about 8 but the buses in New Zealand stop about every 10 fecking minutes.  Typical of the Kiwi attitude. Along the way, we stopped at a national park for an hour because there were some nice rocks to sele there! Fecking hell. Actually, if you had to stop somewhere, there was a good spot; the odd pancake-shaped rock formations were extremely beautiful. There was a path around the coast with big warning signs saying not to cross it. Myself and another Irish lad observed a very inviting track going from the other side of the barrier down and around, and I mentioned I was tempted to the bus driver; so he agreed to stand watch where we would jump the barrier, so that we could go down and explore without the Department of Conservation people coming to give out to us.  I felt like I was sneaking around stealing apples; it was great fun, and very odd to have a fifty-year old random bus driver keeping watch for you. We both went down the path and made our way through this incredible cave and came out the other side with a glorious view of an amazing rock formation; I could have spent an hour just watching the turbulence of the tide.

Anyway, I arrived into Nelson to find: no cousin. Turned out she had gone to the other place where the other bus company drops people off. I was busy trying to figure out the public phone booths (they don't take coins, what the fuck) when she drove up! So we drove about 45 minutes out to her farm. She had spent a few years travelling herself, and knew just what would make me happy: I came to her house to find myself setup with a room to myself, a whole double bed to myself, and even a /real towel/! Pure unadulterated luxury.

So we spent the past two days hiking around the various national parks and such (all spectacular, New Zealand is utterly blessed) and eating the extremely delicious food of her husband, who is a professional chef. One night their neighbours came over and we all had a few drinks, which was rather nice. The neighbour is a bit crazy and brought over his AK47 last night and offered to let me fire it a bit, so I happily took the chance to gain some valuable life experience by blowing a plastic target to smithereens. (It's a powerful gun!) I had actually planned to do a bit of shooting in Nelson myself; this morning I went out to a rifle range a bit out of town which offers firearms training. It was very educational; the guy was a New Zealand champion marksman, and an excellent teacher. I fired off a few hundred .22 rounds, first with the sandbag and then as I got better standing up, before moving on to the .223 calibre rifle, which is a very powerful gun and very loud. He actually had me shooting at targets 400m away up a hill, and I was very pleased that by the end of it I could hit a fairly small target 3 times out of 4. Then we moved on to using the shotgun on clay pigeons; that is very good fun, and by the end of it I was hitting most of the targets, which is very nice. And now I am in the library using their free internet to talk to you!

Hope you are keeping well; remember always that I love you to bits.

All my love

P

Pathology is /no/ comparison to this.

:(

you can be my cind-er-el-la

Had a lovely weekend =)  a good ending to the first week of pathology.. which was very intense.  On Friday, I went over to A's house, where we had lots of fun chat and cake on her balcony.  Saturday, I was a good domestic person, and hand washed loads of my clothes and had a nap because part of my conjunctiva was red :(  Sometimes I wish my family lived in London, so I wouldn't have to do things like washing my own clothes and cooking my own food.  It's all part of the experience though, moving out, being independent and the like.  And I have no boy to rely upon at the moment.. I think I'm doing fine!  I finished SATC1 - it makes me cringe sometimes, with the cheesy relationships but it's quite good for candy TV.


I don't think I've ever properly dated.  Y'know, school boy/girl dates, they don't seem real to me.  But both boys I've dated.. we sort of didn't have the whole courtship experience.  Particularly with my boy, we didn't "see" each other, we knew we were going out and exclusive straight away.  I don't think I miss the courting thing though - it's not really my thing, and I'd probably not be very good at it.  I mean, we go on dates sometimes... we decide we're going out to eat someplace and we meet there and sometimes we dress up all smartly.  But there's no sort of intermediate phase, where you're not sure if you're seeing someone.


Today, I had a very successful shopping trip, for once.  I hate shopping sometimes :/  I looove Whole Body, at the Whole Foods Market - it's one of the best shops ever.  Bought loads of beauty stuff.  Then walked to Speakers Corner in Hyde Park with R - I'd never really been along the route that we took - a lot of Hyde Park on the Northern side seems to be left to grow to its own devices - it's lovely.  Then we met up with some friends, H, A, A, M.. and some other people.  Was good to see people, after not seeing them for a while - A was dressed very summery.  Wish I dressed that nicely - kept getting grassy bits everywhere :(  Then everyone left pretty quickly, or relatively, so R and I stayed to lie in the park and talk.  I like having conversations with R - they are always very thought provoking.  (I want a wedding invite IOU!)  You know, not just a "what's going on in my life" conversation.. one that has meaning.


Started reading "Inconceivable" by Ben Elton - pretty much finished my pile of books from last September, except The Extended Phenotype, but I've had my fill of Dawkins for a while.  It's written in diary form, which is very thought provoking for me, as I keep this blog and I used to write a diary.


Also, J, good luck with your FO internship :D


xoxo

not worth the aftermath, after that....

For those of you not in the know, I started class on Monday.  It was lovely to see everyone and to catch up.  Lectures are a little bit intense, what with much detail and long hours.  It is very sunny and I would dearly love to be outside in the sunshine, but I get back and I am so drained.  I've been sleeping really badly, after 12.30 every night, because of work and domestic type issues.  I have many bruises :(  I must just kick myself in my sleep.  Uncool.

Trying to dress all summery but the heat is not fun.  Trying to avoid using the tube where possible.  I walk to college every day and back or try to.  This whole week has sort of blurred into one, but there have been some very good moments.


I love learning things about my friends, so we had a very vague game of truth or dare, which I quite like in alcohol form, with more truth and less dare.  D and I had a very good reminisce of my most embarrassing memory.  it made me cry with laughter.  I don't believe anyone who says they've never had an embarrassing memory.  There are a lot of things in the past that I am not wildly proud of, but I'd share them if I felt it appropriate and if someone asked me. Then we shared our worst received presents.  I hate hate hate getting photo frames.  I don't get photos printed out in real life much any more and I have no room to put them!  I hate getting cheap candles; I've done lots of internet searching for good quality candles, to buy for myself and to give as gifts.  Candles have a very unique niche in gift giving.  They can either say "look I made some effort but this is still a generic gift" or it can have meaning.  I love candles I buy for myself, it's a very personal thing.  I dislike receiving bath sets, like with body lotion and shower gel.  Hello, are you trying to say I smell?  I can buy my own lotion and shower gel.  I want gifts with meaning!


As a side note, I do actually feel really selfish asking people for stuff for my birthday.  I make a wishlist every once in a while, but then go through phases of wanting them but they disappear.  Thus, the wishlist is small and the things on it are things I would buy for myself anyway.  But I like getting gifts.  Maybe it's in my spoilt nature... -_-


Buying gifts for girls is a lot easier than for boys.  For girls (in general, not me specifically), you can get clothes, gift vouchers, perfume, jewellery, food, girly stuff.  Except I would hate any of these unless I'd asked for them!  Boys are very hard to buy for.


I still can't decide whether I want to celebrate my birthday with my friends or not this year :/


Then we talked about whether or not we were physically disciplined as children.  My parents never ever smacked me.  Sure, I got told off, but I know my parents never hit me.  I believe there are better ways of showing your children that what they are doing is wrong.  Maybe it's the younger sibling thing.... I suppose I get away with more too.


I have missed the banter between my friends and I.  Granted, a lot of the time, I am being made fun of, but hey... after all, someone has to be the ditzy one!


Carol
xo

i hurt

Sometimes i feel like I am feeling too much emotion for one person to feel, or that I am feeling paradoxical emotions and I don't know how to deal with it.  I (try to) take time out... and go read, or watch a film, or go for a walk or have a nap or go to the shops and not buy anything, or whatever.  Now what am I meant to do when life doesn't let me have time out?

baby don't you realise how beautiful you really are

Several things.

Firstly, another dream!

It was after school, on a sort of clody day, and I was walking with T and S to the school buses; T and I used to get buses from the other side of the road, and for some reason I was walking her to hers... It was 4pm and the buses were leaving at 4.10pm so I left them,  and turned back and left and went to mine.  I was stuck behind S and F, whom I didn't really like that much so overtook them and got to my bus.  I was part of the "back of the bus" crowd, but there was hardly anyone there.. just P and L, and L's "evil twin".  They were all sat apart on the backseat (5 seats) and very silent.. so I sat in the middle and asked them what was up.  L's evil twin was doing odd and mean things to P and L, and he took some sort of gas and oil and sprayed it on and between my legs, and he was making P cry.

Then he went to L's younger sister, who was sat near the front of the bus, and told her that L disowned her and this made her cry :(  Then L's evil twin seemed to have spent his rage and sort of disappeared, and then L said to me, "thankyou", and I said that I hadn't done anything.. like, literally nothing, but then he went, "if you hadn't had showed up, this wouldn't have happened", by which I think he meant that he was glad his evil twin was gone, and then I was like, "I know".

Then it was the next school day and I was sat in a classroom with S, T and F, the former two were the ones I walked to the school buses with.  We were talking about books, and I had one in my bag that I needed to return to S, and I told her I still had "the claw" book ("the claw" said the Toy Story way) which I would return to her at a later date.

Then it was time for assembly, but my class was late, so we went to get the prayer books and opened the back doors for the stage where we were meant to be sat, and where we would sneak to, but it was the prayer time, and I hoped they didn't hear us making any sound opening and closing the doors.  We rushed back to our classroom, trying to think of some excuse for us missing assembly.  Then our form teacher, Mr L, was flirting with S :/

Very weird.  I rarely dream of my friends, old or new.. I feel like my dreams tend to be very very odd, and so any semblance of normalness worries me.. so that's probably why you get random "how are you" messages if I don't see you much.

----

Secondly, a letter

Day 3: to your parents & Day 4: to my sibling (or closest relative)

Dear mummy and daddy and A,

Every child who has a good relationship with their parents believes they are the best parents in the world, although this is very subjective.  I am no different, yet I would like to say that you are the best parents for me.  There is nothing I could write that would express my gratitude and love and there's probably nothing I can do to show it, except be the best person I can be :)  And A, we've had many ups and downs and I'd like to think that with our parents' love and guidance, we have become so much closer these past couple of years, closer than I thought we would be as siblings: I like it.  With love, 女

----

I hate shopping.  When I purposely go out to look for clothes, I can never find anything I like.  How I have so many is beyond me, I have no idea how I come by so much when I can't find anything or the things don't fit!  Sometimes I hate my body shape, because a lot of the time I can't find things that fit properly.  Maybe I should shop like a man, and research things before I go to buy.

I went to see the new Twilight film; it was very good and an accurate representation of the book, but it was really cheesy in some bits, and it was annoying when little teenage girls were cheering when Jacob came on :/  I liked it though - the fighting was good and I wasn't as annoyed by Kristen Stewart's poor acting skills as in the first two films.  Before going out, I spoke to P via facebook chat - a rarity in itself - and he thought I was so eager to see it because I had no angst in my life and no drama, and that the film would be my fill of emotional angst.

Been watching Wimbledon and reading lots.. and having long naps.  Been reading Xiaxue's blog as well, and started watching Sex and the City to see what the fuss was about.  Pathology starts tomorrow - there are, like, 7 or 8 lectures :(  I hope it's not too hot!  A bit excited to see my friends again :)  Although, I am not so sure my note taking ability is as good as it used to be.  I mean, I write using a pen quite a bit but I don't write quickly or anything.

gahhhhh

I had dinner an hour ago but now I feel sick.  I feel like if I go to lie down again, I'll feel rubbish tomorrow.  So I'm looking for stuff to buy for my birthday.  Thought I'd do another letter thing.


Day 2: your crush
To be honest, I don't think I have had a "crush" for ages... Okay okay.
Dear J, I dislike how we don't talk anymore, but that's not my fault.  I remember when we first met, like, 5 years ago, you told your friends you fancied me ( :s ) and then they decided to tell me.  Then, like, a year later we started talking again and you were hinting pretty strongly about your feelings towards me, and I guess I let myself get a bit caught up in the childish romance of it.  Yes I had a crush on you... Because your background was/is similar to mine, I think I identified with you a lot back then; we were similar, we used to talk a lot and flirt and have fun and it was all harmless.  We had two dates, it sort of fizzled out into friendship, we had a frank discussion, and then I made a wise mistake of being incredibly indecisive. (not in a bad way)
Looking back, I am 100% sure we would have been unsuited as at that time, I thought I wanted something casual, and you thought you wanted something very serious.  Turns out we each wanted the opposite of what we thought.  I went to visit you, and I still have those stars you made for me in my heart shaped box, which is filled with little mementos.  But you flaked out a lot more than I did.  I'd like to say I miss you... but I don't.


Cordially,
Carol




PS.  Please understand that I'm writing these letters as a form of catharsis, to get closure from certain things in the past, and to let them lie.  I am NOT a mean spirited person, I am NOT saying mean whatever anyone says.  I'm treating these as a psychological experiment type thing.

letter writing

Saw this letter thing on someone's tumblr, which looks to me sort of like a twitter blog.  You have to write a letter to someone every day, but I probably won't do it /every/ day.
In such a flaky mood today.  I dislike hot flushes very much.. I dislike all the stuff that comes with being of the sex that reproduces... and the weather isn't helping the flushes :(


So.. here we go.  Letter numero uno!


Day 1: to your best friend
I have several best friends.. who are each my best friend in different ways, and for different reasons...  I don't think I need to tell them how much they mean to me.  I love them each in their own way, and I love that they are all very different to each other.  It reflects different parts of my personality.  If I bothered using speed dial, each of these people would be on it.  There are people in life who you regard as acquaintances.. people you say hello to but the conversation doesn't go much past that.  There are friends with whom you have fun, but are not in your life all the time.  And then there are best friends, who know lots about you, and don't judge you (much.  Hey, the human nature is secretly judgemental).  So I would like to tell each of my best friends: thank you.. for being there for me when I need you... and I suppose I have needed each of you in my own way in the time I have known you.


F, you've been my friend since I was 9, I love you dearly and surely and you are my partner in crime, il y a photographic evidence! I held Matt Dillon's hand and I believe you got Jude Law to wave at us... who said we didn't live a glamorous life?!??!
S, thanks for being the voice of reason time and time again when I have been a bit crazy over various things, you'll never know what it means to me!  I am so proud of your achievements; there is no saner person than you.
A, you are lovely and I am so glad I know you - this seems like a generic thing to say, but believe me when I say it isn't.
I, if ever there was a "carol" imprint in a person, it would be you!
M, everyone deserves their rights to have secrets, thank you for keeping mine and for being there at a time when I didn't really have anyone... I hope I have done the same for you
A, sometimes I despair of you, but I don't think I would if I didn't consider you one of my best friends!  For your faults, you have ten fold great qualities.
R, as the one from this list most likely to read this, I shall just say: one of the most intelligent people I know... the highest compliment that I could give to you.
P, no explanation necessary.


love,
your friend Carol
xo

collective maths A Levels?

These past few days, I haven't been feeling that good... I've stayed in a lot, out of the sun, and been reading through my pile of books.  At the start of the BSc year, I bought a pile of books and added to it throughout the year.  Now I just have 5 left to go.  I have also been sleeping a lot, napping during the day, hand washing my clothes - why didn't I do this before???  Probably because they take ages to dry.  I have also been watching some films, and writing a little bit on my other blog.  I watched Toy Story 3 and Shrek 4 last week, just before I left for London.  I highly recommend the former, the latter... not that much.  Tomorrow, I better get better, because I'm going to the Tate Modern with a friend, whom I haven't seen for 2.5 years, then coffee with T and then dinner with friends later.

During one of my many naps, I had a really weird dream, about some of my old school friends :/

I was in a church, except it looked sort of like a lecture theatre, with those pull down chairs and white thin desks in rows that get lower and lower as you go down the room.  They had those big glass windows, with coloured panes, and it was painted white and sort of rustic.  It was sort of for a Founders Day type ceremony (for my school, it was a celebration of the founding of the Boys School, which came before the Girls School), and we stuck a load of pictures onto the wall.. sort of, commemorative ones.  It was very brightly lit, and around me were my friends from school.. some I was close to, some I was not.  There was no service and there seemed to be some speaker who was telling us about his clothes store - I do actually know him in real life, although not that well.  He's doing GDL - and how they were different to normal sizing in the UK... here we have even numbers, like 12, 14, 16 etc. for women's clothing.


So he was like, okay I can see that the numbering might confuse you a bit.  If you tell me what your size is in normal UK measurements, I can translate that to those for my store.  So he went around the group - there must have been about 20 in total.  So eventually he came round to me, and I was trying to whisper my size(s) to him, but he couldn't here, so I was like, "fine. 4 and 6" (not that they are my sizes in real life) and they translated to 27 and 29.


I must have been the last one to ask, as then I turned to the wall and took down the pictures we had just put up onto the wall and passed them to my friends K and G.  We then left the church, and walked back to school.  On the way, we recollected that we had exams in the summer, but we had been let off class for study leave from the start of the Easter holiday.  S then said that this meant that we had half a term to revise for a few exams, like Biology and Chemistry and Maths.  This was a huge surprise to me, as I said to her, "I'M DOING MATHS A LEVEL??!?!!!" to which she calmly replied "yes".  K and G and F also forgot they had Maths A Level exams, but the S told us that the viva we had just been for (yeah, somehow the group non-service/chat/conversation turned into a viva) was the only thing we needed to come to school for, for the rest of the year until exams.


I think the shock of finding out I was doing dream Maths A Level shocked me into waking up. :/






xo