what makes someone special?

Yes, my, um, actions worked!!!! In a previous post, in reference to the he said we said you said i said he said she said etc etc, my actions were not wrong, I am proud to say. I KNEW I don't do meddling. But I'm glad everything seems to be working out. Sometimes you need to hear the truth, in order to hurt, so that you heal. You know, being cruel to be kind. Oh, I'm ever so glad everything's working out! It's sad when my friends hurt, and I'm glad one of my friends has figured out (or has given semblance of doing so) what to do now, without my emotional maturity angle.


Apparently it makes me sound condescending. I didn't mean it in that way. I don't mean to say I am better than anyone, because I've had emotional experiences a lot of people haven't. I just happen to think that emotional maturity is something that not everyone gains, and it's very important. And in order for me to let my friends try and do so, I have to not influence them too much. It makes me feel like I'm parenting.


Though I think I feel this way because I sympathise more, and can empathise better with a situation that I have been in, or one similar to it. Dans ce cas, Friend A: it's a bit sad how we turned out, but I don't regret anything, and as more and more time goes by, it gets easier to understand why things happen. Hindsight gives you clarity of mind. Friend B told me once that he realised that he thought that he could have been a better friend to me when I confided in them, but I am glad that I did, and that I got some good advice. So I am truly thankful that I have lovely friends, even if we aren't that close, and that they can comfort me in times of need. So I am glad I had someone to turn to, even though I thought it wouldn't really work.


I wish I had a girlfriend with whom I could share everything and gossip about girls' clothes and their hair and bitch about things and say, oh he's quite hot, and trivial things like that. I wish I had someone to help me decide what to wear, and what to do in ome situations, or someone I could share girly things with. I am quite an open person sometimes, but some things aren't really shareable. Some things get me down or make me upset or make me stressed, and I wish I had someone relatively impartial with which to share this stuff with.


The more and more I think about it, the more I see this as a way of expressing how I feel, and it's open to interpretation. I wish I was more eloquent and could use fancy words and not make it look odd. I didn't think anyone used to read my blog, but everal people do now, on occasion. If you wish to, you can Google Reader my blog somehow: I'm not sure how that works. You can also follow my blog: because my template is html and I pretty much wrote most of it, you can't click a "follow" button, but if you have a google account, you can Google Read it, or bookmark this, or "add" if you have a blog yourself. I need codenames for people, but I'd never be able to think of any. My friends remind me of different things, and sometimes they don't make sense. I am not angling for comments as people rarely comment on my blog: maybe it's 'cause I chat a lot of rubbish :( and I am not angling for heavy traffic.


I like this Friend A, B, C thing though. It's getting harder to guess who it is, isn't it? I know it is. I like the summary thing as well. So if you can't be bothered to read all of it, you can just read the friend summary. It's not gossip, merely, the way I feel about some things about some people and need some place to express it, rather than offloading onto P. To the extent that he might feel like he knows my friends as well as I do.


I think another of my friends (C) needs to realise that there is more to gain from life than a blinkered view of what we really are. There's so much more than you realise, so much more than you've got already and maybe you don't even know it. There's also so much said about you than you know, but whatever. What we really are is something I think you have thought about but is something you aren't willing to try.


Another of my friends (D) , I guess I would call them a friend now. C'est plus d'une connaissance, mais pas qu'un ami cher. Anyway. They need to... also realise that there's a lot more to pidgeon holed facets and to doing what's expected. I suppose I admire them and pity them at the same time.


I also think my friend (E) sees me on an odd axis, and is someone who wouldn't really be my friend if it weren't for certain things. It upsets me a bit to think of this friend in this way, and it pains me to have to admit it, because I always thought we were better than that. I know one of my friends here used to like me in a more than a friend way, but backed off and stopped feeling that way because... well, I don't want to tell you.


So.. Friend A: thanks for the lesson. Friend B: thanks for listening. Friend C: take off the rosy sunglasses. Friend D: don't be pidgeon holed so soon. It's going to have bad consequences. Friend E: :(
I've also realised I've spoken about the same person twice.


So now I've gotten that out of the way, I can tell you about how I was lying on the Queen's Lawn with M and R, talking and lying in the sun: it was really nice, then we went to Hyde Park later on, and I got tanned cheeks :)


I can tell you about the penguin patient, who is really confused about everything, but is very calm and a bit dazed. I tried to take blood from him twice, but failed :( because he kept talking and gesturing and also was confused. Am a bit surprised he's still here actually.


Also. I am really looking forward to going home. The weather being sunny and warm and bright reminds me of being home. And even though I say that just going home to see the place and seeing my parents is enough, and I often get bored at home, I do miss it :( This is the longest I have been without seeing my family, and I only talk to them for, like, 20 minutes a week because we're always missing each other on the phone or just plain busy.

all the street lights shine like they were stars,
that's where you are...
I have to find a way to show you I care...

I'M ALIVE.

[Vogue Aus, April 09] - Amazing Willow dress + I want those Isabel Marant boots!!

Dearest readers,

Again, apologies for abandoning my blog for weeks. Has it been weeks? It certaintly feels that way. I've been lethargic and consumed with juggling everything else (Uni, job, social life etc etc) that I haven't had proper time to post. I'll be back though once this studying load tranquilises slightly.

Thanks for all the lovely comments, again I'll get on top of that too :)

Lots of love,
Mel
xoxo

when the sun shines, we'll shine together

So I figured out this week one important thing.. I'm not meant to drink vast quantities of alcohol, otherwise I get superventricular tachycardia. Seriously. It can cause collapses :( But I have a good tolerance of alcohol, which is very odd. I only started drinking regularly at uni, and I'm tiny and little, so my liver is clearly very little too. Weird that I have a good tolerance. Not so good with the palpitations though.


The friendship... drama has further escalated. Now it's just turned into a game of he told her that she said that he said that we said not to tell him that he likes her or she doesn't want to talk to him because we said that she said that you said this and that and the other but he told me something else instead.. ad nauseam. I am guilty of doing it too, as are a lot of people I know. Basically, it's come from a lack of trust and seeing your friends as more trustworthy than some others. And I wish we could just make it stop. Some of my friends feel like their allegiance is not with us anymore, which is weird and also sad. And also annoying. When did this happen?


If only people were more forthcoming about their feelings, and not so afraid of being hurt. It's really not that bad. So why don't you just tell her you like her? Why don't you just tell him, sorry, no more? Why can't you just say... "whatever?" I'm getting to the stage now where the interest is lost for me and I just feel like saying "whatever".


And then I remember I am not meant to heavily influence my friends' decisions, and they're not as familiar with emotional hurt as I am. So all I can do is watch my friends emotionally mature, and hope they get there sooner rather than later. I feel sometimes that I'm one of the group's parents, watching the process of maturation. Just like a parent tries not to interfere where feelings are concerned.


I really hope that doesn't make me sound condescending. I've come to understand that there's more than growing up and getting old. There's emotional maturity, which is an important concept to me.


If only people were more trusting, and not so afraid of what people think of them. I wish we could just all sit down in a room, and not leave until we've gotten some kind of understanding. I've seen it work before. I wasn't meant to be involved at all, and now I'm a minor player in what seems to be a very complicated game.


Ugh.


Have an awesome summer lined up :) Going to see three plays at the Globe, possibly an opera, another visit to the zoo in Regent's Park, which is the prettiest park in London AND going to Milan! xx

better think twice?

Some of my friends have now joined blogger, or I have found their blog. And a couple of them have introductions to themselves.. reading back to my very first entry, I didn't introduce myself. I have no "welcome" post. But I hope that by reading my blog, you can kinda get the idea of the kind of person I am. I would say I am ditzy but can be smart sometimes.. a bit geeky but also clueless. I live in a university/student life bubble. Real life i.e. politics, council taxes and paying bills still seems a bit far away from where I am now. That's part of being a grown up. On Plinky, there's a question that made me think about when I realised I was an adult.


It was when I moved out of my flat, and moved into P's house, and had a permanent residence in one of the nicest areas in London. And then when I had to move into my own flat.


But I don't think I'll feel like a real adult until I (hopefully) qualify.


Hold on. I have just looked at the table and seen P's bank statement, which i must open. Now that's an adult like thing.


My friends and I are thinking of going on holiday sometime this year, but it most probably won't happen. I'd like to go away with P somewhere, whilst the end of his PhD is in sight, not in not too near sight. I hate how plans never happen, how people who live at home are bound by prior obligations, how people don't want to stay out late, or don't realise that clubbing does not necessarily mean drinking.


I saw a patient today who was a little younger than me, who had overdosed on some medications :( and drunk lots of alcohol. And the weird thing is that he looked normal. He didn't look particularly depressed, just that kinda glazed look patients have when they're in hospital. I often wonder how patients react to students. If i were an inpatient, I'd love it if people came to talk to me, to take my history. I have a lot of history to give medical wise :) But this patient.. it kinda upset me because I saw how much you can't tell that someone's sad and wants to take their own life, that being one of the most cowardly things yet also one of the most courageous things people can do. He looked a bit sad that his attempt didn't work to be honest, and seriously pissed off that he was in hospital and he could hear the doctors say "he's for a psych opinion". I hope everything works out alright.


Medicine is an art and a science, it being something interventional, sometimes where you don't want any interference. But once someone comes into hospital, we kind of have an obligation to make everything better, often putting the patient through pain or unpleasant experiences.


I wonder just how badly the recession will hurt us. I went to Sainsbury's a little while ago, and bought lots of Sainsbury's Basics tinned things. Some of it was exactly the same as stuff in fancier packaging, and even sometimes more healthy. People are brand snobs, and don't want to go for the cheap stuff, for fear of how it makes them look. Yes, sometimes it's worth the money, but a lot of the time, it doesn't make a difference. It still goes down the same way. Our bodies still use it the same way. Sometimes it just happens to cost 17p instead of £1.99 (fact). It just doesn't make sense why I should buy a tin of soup that costs £1.99 which has lots of hydrogenated fat and sugars in it, when I can just get a tin the same size and the same flavour for 17p which has less salt and less sugar and less fat (fact). Just because it costs more doesn't mean it's better.


And that goes for lots of other things. I am going to dress my babies in Primark clothes or old baby clothes my parents still have, and my babies will sleep in old cots. They're not going to know the difference are they. And they get through clothes quickly: what's the point of getting designer baby clothes when they'll need more in like 2 months? I'm going to teach my children about the times I live in now, and lots of languages, and awesome skills. I'll teach them about healthcare, and about medicines and anatomy and how to recognise diseases, and basic life support.
I don't want children now, or for a few years yet, but the prospect of imparting all my knowledge to someone who will care is exciting.


So I got lots of tinned food, in response to the food crisis. P and I have been building up a big store of it, in case things do get really bad. I've taken an inventory, and written down best before dates and everything, so we can replace things as we go through them. It's not that expensive. We must have enough food to feed the two of us for at least 2 or 3 weeks, for only £40 or something like that. And I am starting to stock up now, in case P's house burns down.


This is something he feels passionately about - along with permaculture and history or maths and computation type things and me and politics and economics and survival skills. So I feel like I should support him by stocking up my cupboards too. And also this solves the problem of me being hungry all the time.


But seriously. What would you do if the supermarkets closed down, and there wasn't much food left going around? I know it might never happen, but it's not a good strategy to only have enough food to last you a few days. it's not just a one person thing. My parents do it too. And have repeatedly advised me to do the same.


It was really sweet actually. Last term, we were like, "OK, so what if the supermarket burnt down, what are the things we'd really need?" We call it our "food crisis food". It's wonderful. And yes we do eat it. I have eaten all the chocolate repeatedly, so we have to get more, which I eat and so on and so forth.


And that time, which might be soon or far away, that will make me realise where my allegiances lie, and how selfish I really am. You can't feed everyone, especially at the rate that I myself get through food. I'm worried that the time will come when one of my closest friends wants some food, and I'll look at what I have and say "no". :(

she'll make you order fresh champagne

Had a thought yesterday that I am actually very ditzy.


On Sunday, M, P and I were in Caffe Nero, where we went to wrap R's birthday gifts, and I was asking him about praying and Patrick was like, where's Mecca? And I said, how does the compass know how to point to Mecca? (I mean, I do actually know that compasses point north, and you have to do some calculations in order to work out where Mecca is, from where you are in the world).


Went to Sainsbury's yesterday to buy pastries, and put them in the fridge. I only brought my pure over, usually I bring my bag. So it made sense to carry my purse back home in the Sainsbury's bag. Except my purse went in the fridge too. And I only realised like three hours later, upon opening the fridge.


Oh dear.


--


Dear sun,


Hello, it's so good to see you! Finally! It's great to see that you are indeed still shining, that's awesome, I don't need to tote my umbrella around so much anymore. Bonus, my back won't ache so much. But could you refrain from shining on days where you KNOW I have long work hours. It's just way too tempting :( You are very lovely, keep on shining. Our world depends on it. I mean that literally.


love,
someone who likes the sun


--


Dear Boys Like Girls,


Please can you come back to England and do a tour? I sooo wanted to go last time you were here, but I was doing an on-call, and in retrospect, wouldn't have missed it for anything - it was so fun, but I adore your music. My blog is named after one of your song lyrics :) It's a song that never fails to cheer me up :D So.. you know, October/November would be cool! Oh, good luck with the new album!


love,
a dedicated fan


PS. Please don't sue me because I've used your lyrics around my blog.


--


Dear X,


I had a very philo moment today, and it made me concerned that I still can't work out what our friendship means to me. I can't explain why you make me feel very.. confused, and you don't realise it.
Things happen, it's part of the learning experience. But I thought we were good friends, and I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch better :( We're both busy people, but it's nice to chat once in a while. But not of the "hey what are you up to? not much, you?" small talk variety; let's get past that. I don't even think you read this thing anyway, so the chances are I'll just keep feeling like this every so often and you'll never know. And I can't think of the words to say to you in person to tell you about this. I'm so lame :(


from your friend Carol


--


Dear Whole Foods Market,


Your store on High Street Ken is awesome, I love it, you have lots of free cheese everytime I go there. Everything looks so yummy and the baskets are cool. But why is your stuff so expensive? :( Organic does not mean expensive. American does not mean expensive. In light of the current "credit crunch", please would you reduce your prices, so that my boyfriend can buy us food for a nice dinner in, and not have a panic attack when he sees the price of the bill.


from,
a concerned shopper


--


Dear sugar,


Increase your prices by epic amounts. It's one of the few ways that we are going to stop this obesity epidemic. Keep it in the countries that need it the most. The Western world is way too fat, and it's immoral and disgusting. Sugar is nice yes, but it isn't necessary. Obesity is a disease and it's going to be a huge problem very soon, even more so than it is now. How are we going to treat a nation of fat people who are too lazy to go out and walk, who are too lazy to walk to the end of the aisle in the supermarket to look for the healthier options? It makes me feel ill thinking about it,


love, a potential doctor in the making

i wish you could feel, that my love is real

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while since an update, or it feels like it. I feel like I am running on borrowed time, as I'm always tired, and I get a lie in, like once a week :( And so I get musculoskeletal pain, which I think is linked to my sleeping pattern and the way I sleep. Anyway.

It was R's birthday celebration yesterday in Covent Garden. Thankfully, he liked his presents.. we got him a toy helicopter (he's meant to work out he needs to get his own batteries), a Hugo Boss wallet that I quite liked, two bottles of Jack Daniels sauce that they do in TGI Friday's, a bottle of JD, and some M&M's. I think the group thought is now just to collectively collaborate on present buying, and leave the responsiblity to someone else. So it fell to M and I. I hate hassling people for money, but it's a necessary evil. They give you £10, and they feel like they have in some way contributed more than money, and you have money to spend on shiny things. I wonder what happens when my turn comes around? Anyway. We went on to Yates' where some things happened that I noticed and thought badly of, and P impressed (?) us with his dancing and rapping. I'm too old to go out on Sunday nights and wake up at 7 the next day. Yates' on Sundays isn't as good as Fridays, as there were loads of chavs and leeches there :S

I think some of my friends react badly in certain situations, and tend to dwell on the negative feeling. But to get hurt is the only way to learn I suppose. I want to say something but then I feel like I am interfering with their emotional maturation process. People need to work out why they feel like they do, and how to react to it. But I don't approve of going off to get a drink in order to cope with the situation, or if a certain person is there. I might have got the situation totally wrong, but I wouldn't have expected it.

It was a gorgeous day on Saturday; had final year teaching and an EMQ session, and then went to a cafe just on Earls Court Road, which was yummy :) Had an apple crumble and some baguette. Then we walked up to Holland Park, to the Kyoto Garden. There were some freak Japanese kids wearing freak cosplay clothes and taking pictures of each other, portraying scenes from a book. It was VERY odd.  Then we climbed around the waterfall, to sit at the top :)

I love that it's so sunny, but it's ever so slightly annoying when you have to stay inside :(

her lips are devil red and her skin's the color of mocha