a patchwork of emotion

I had about five minutes of anger/annoyance today... over something silly.  Basically, I wanted to print some stuff out, but my sister's laptop and mine seem to be not compatible, in that she uses Windows. (Hey, I'd put Linux on it if I knew how; I've got the discs and everything)  So her laptop wants to reformat my USB stick every single time she copies a film or some pictures for me.... gr... so I could access my files on Linux, but not on Windows.  It is silly things like this that make me eternally grateful that I don't use Windows, and its only redeeming feature is Microsoft Office.


Had to go into uni today, as I had scheduled an interview with someone... where I just rambled on and on, and I'm not entirely sure she got the idea.  It was very warm, and there were LOADS of people on the Queen's Lawn.  Possibly even more than during term time. (????)  Sorted some things out for university (starts on Monday... sob) and tried to avoid overheating.


I also discovered two Easter eggs in my cupboard!!!  They were right at the top at the back - this was probably so I did not eat them in one sitting.  I bought loads at Easter (by "loads", I mean 10) so now I can enjoy them, except they're melting.  But I hate eating cold chocolate.  Speaking of food, there is NOTHING in my fridge.  I am not entirely sure how I have been functioning these past few days.. what with my wrist sprain from opening a tin.


Anyway... check it outttt....







One of the best voices I have heard in a very long time.


Hope you are all well!
xo

who said it was better to have loved and lost?

Back in London now!  My flat looked very suspiciously tidier than I remember leaving it... tidied up a bit, still got clothes all over the place, but I'm too tired to fix it.  I had a nap during the daytime for the first time in ages: I used to get really tired by the afternoon, back in those days where I didn't eat so much.  But then those stupid horn things they have at the World Cup woke me up: my next door neighbour was watching the other football match that was on today.  Well, England v Germany.. I am not one bit surprised.  I didn't think England deserved to get through to the final 16; their total effort thusfar has been poor.

When I was at home in the shop, I was hot a lot of the time, because of the cooking and machinery and general running about.  My flat is cooler, but I need to keep my window open all the time, otherwise I feel really faint.  This excess heat is just too much for me :(  I don't think I can face going out tomorrow; it NEEDS to cool down NOW :/

Have over 100 GB of things to watch... basically, I just download lots when I am at home, so I can watch films or tv shows during my time at uni when I feel like it.  My sister has also done something to my USB stick.. it's been formatted or somesuch weird thing, and now I can't delete or copy files to it????  Everything was so much simpler when I didn't try to use Windows.

I'm not really looking forward to having to wear sunscreen again.  For the most part, I stay inside during the most sunny hours when you're meant to wear it, and I've only had sunburn once in my life... I don't really tan much, so now I look white.  Except I have Chinese colouring.  But I don't like the feeling of sunscreen and the smell of it, and also the constant need to reapply it.

Sometimes I get really irrational and think that things between the boy and I will be weird when he comes back.  It's hard having very little contact.  You know how in emails, or texts, you can "hear" a person's voice, as if they were actually saying the words they've written?  I don't feel that.  A large part of our relationship is tactile or verbally communicated, and it's difficult to be without my bestest friend for a long time.  I have been promised gifts, and I came back today to find a postcard, which everyone in my house and the postman and everyone involved in its delivery process has probably read.


I adore this song.  It gives me chills.  Just as well, as I need cooling down.


xo

old endings and new beginnings

Last night.. or more this morning, I had a dream where I was walking around my old school.  I still remember where most things are, but in my dream, I couldn't find my classroom.  I'd forgotten where it was, and there didn't seem to be anyone I could ask.  There was some sort of parade going on, with balloons and that confetti looking stuff and general joyous festivity, and everyone I saw was walking in an opposite direction to myself.  They were in the same year and, like myself, they were wearing white blouses and black skirts.  Which must have meant it was some formal event.  So eventually, I got to the end of a very long corridor, and there was an escalator going upwards, so I joined it, except it became too steep for me to stay on, and I fell off it.  I kept trying, but I kept falling off the escalator, and after about 10 tries, I finally got to the top.  There was some kid's party there, with clowns and balloons and party bags, and the general very bright colours you find at a child's party.  I couldn't find what I wanted here, but I couldn't find the way down. :/


Distressing.


I got my hair cut - it's now the shortest it's been for about 5 or 6 years; it feels good to have the oldest part of my hair cut off, but now it's gained annoying points for being even more unstyle-able.  Grr...  At least it's got 6 or 7 months to grow now!  It looks rank at the moment, but maybe I will add some pictures when it's looking more healthy.  I want to dye it again, but I don't have anywhere to do it.  Has anyone got a bathroom they would let me use?  The bathrooms for my flat are not IN my flat, it's at the end of the hall (they get cleaned every single day) but I can't be running through the corridor with hair dye in my hair and trying to wash it out etc.  I shall have a think about it.


The boy leaves for New Zealand today... the 4th of about 9 or 10 places.  I am leaving for London on Sunday too... got lots and lots to do before term starts.  Been watching Come Dine With Me, and wishing I could cook.  I have the resources, just not the skill.  But then, I'm not usually that fussy about what my food looks like as long as it is edible.


A lot of people I know are having their endings... their course is finishing, their school career is finishing.  I can't help but wonder if I will be scared when it is my turn... if I'll feel scared to enter the real world of responsibility and bills and taxes and pensions and being a grown up.


xo

everything looks better when the sun goes down

I've properly completed 4 years of medical school!  Viva emails were sent last week, and today I guess.  I escaped the fate of a viva, which is good as there is lots of stuff going on which requires me to be at home.  Although, I have no idea where my holiday has gone.  It's been almost 4 weeks.. :/  


I can't remember when or what I last wrote... thankyou to all those well wishers who've sent me messages :)  It's been a very draining couple of days.  I really need a day where I just crash out and sleep all day... sometimes I just need a duvet day, where I stay in my pyjamas all day and read or use my computer whilst sat in bed.  I don't actually do much work in bed, as I have to prop my laptop onto a pillow, thus I have to move all my pillows around (I hate touching the walls, as they're always cold) but sometimes I like watching films or TV shows or reading or indeed sleeping lots.


Basically, my mum has really bad trigeminal neuralgia, and without going too much into detail, basically her pain was relentless, so she was offered a neurosurgical procedure, called microvascular decompression, which she had on Tuesday.  It basically involved a piece of skull being removed near the cerebellum, to access the trigeminal nerve and the vessels around it.  She was in hospital for 3 days, and came out on Friday, thankfully.  It was heartbreaking seeing her immediately after surgery as she was in so much pain but now she is neuralgia-pain free.  She's had it for 6 or 7 years... I admire her strength with coping with such horrific pain for so long.


Not been up to exciting things.  Back in London soon, just in time for The Elephant Parade.  There were plans to go to Wireless, but now loads of people can't go, I'm not entirely sure I will go.. I haven't the pennies, particularly as my NHS Bursary situation isn't finalised: I'm not sure how much I will get... I really need that NHS money though.. I don't think my parents can support me financially fully during year 5, and the student loan amount is reduced, but that all goes straight to my loan.  Although I do not eat much, I still require some nourishment.


I really need to tidy up my flat, and probably will redecorate it.


I have also gotten really into Supersize vs Superskinny or whatever it's called.  It allows me to vent my frustrations about weight and it also entertains me.  It doesn't make me reconsider the food I am eating though.. is it meant to?  I eat really slow :(  Every evening at dinner, I always seem to be the last one left at the table, despite the fact I am 90% sure I am eating the least food.  And it's not like I am talking that much.. well.. maybe. Maybe I talk too much.


I think food doesn't mean as much to me as it does to other people.  Yes it sometimes tastes good, but I never understand the fascination with trying to cook wonderfully weird meals or meals with many flavours... maybe I'm just too used to Chinese cuisine.  I mean... I used to eat bread without filling/etc, I eat plain pasta.. plain cous cous... I mean, why would I go to so much effort to make food taste super extra good, when at the end of the day, I'm the one who is going to have to eat it?  It's just food.  Why should I spend crazy amounts of money on food, when I can get by on a low food budget?  I can use that money better in another way.


This reminds me of one time how I wrote to Sainsbury's, complaining profusely of their lack of healthy cereal/breakfast food options.  I must have written 3 A4 pages of text.  It made me so angry how I had to spend lots of money to buy something for my breakfast (which I might add is the most important meal of the day - I eat it at home, I should probably eat breakfast at university too) just so that I could be free of processed sugar.  I can never properly explain why I shouldn't eat processed sugar - people think I'm stupid or crazy or think that everything in moderation is good.  I don't want to become a perpetual victim to a food poison that leads to bad health consequences.  So anyway, I wrote lots and lots about how I felt that Sainsbury's was supporting the obesity epidemic - don't even get me started - by making sugary cereals the cheapest, and that in the current economic climate, the best thing to do was to cut prices for healthy food, which would lead to people eating better and therefore not using NHS resources as often as they would not be obese or would be less obese.  I felt that it was my duty as a potential doctor to speak up and say something, and for my efforts, I just got a "we will pass on your comments to our food technologists" letter.  Hmph.


I dislike how humans, as a race, always feel the need to find out more about our origins.  When I say this, I mean space.  It does fascinate me somewhat, and it half excites and half terrifies me at the same time knowing that we are all insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and that space is bigger than we can imagine.  It also begs the question of other universes and string theory etc etc.  But I'm not so sure I would feel the need, if I controlled NASA's budget, to go looking at other planets and stars, when there is need closer to home, concerning poverty and the environment and the economy and sustainability.  Maybe I'd slash the budget significantly more than it has ever been, and use those resources better somewhere else.


It worries me that people do not care enough to make a difference, or to make a change in their lives.  People are very reluctant to make modifications to their lifestyle, when there is no external factor that requires them to do so.  But the way we live is just too much.  Why can't people see that it's not just about having the newest clothes or shoes, or the best car, or a new games console.. How are these resources made?  By exploiting the poor and using valuable resources.  The world seems to be in a very precarious state and it really bothers me.


But what can I alone do?  I talk about it a lot with my boyfriend - thankfully his future life plans involve me, and he makes me think.  He pushes me to think about things I don't feel comfortable thinking about, or things I don't know much about.  I worry for the future, possibly too much :/


5th year starts with Pathology.. there are many many lectures :/  But it will be lovely to see everyone again.  Sorry for the huge lack of writing here: I've had inspiration elsewhere, and I'm trying to concentrate on my other blog at the moment.


xo
Carol


PS.  Shout out to Tabzydolly - congratulations on your uni offer =D

'make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you'

Once again, I've been having blogger's block.  I have plenty of things to say, but too many things to say, so that it would all mesh into one long crazy post.  So I settled for a huge blog redesign.  Basically, I wanted something simple again, whose html I didn't have to manipulate heavily.  The banner is of Emma Watson, from Vogue Italia.  I love her fashion sense, I love her normalness and her want of higher education.  Everything just looks a lot cleaner now... part of my bid to grow up... had to make my blog less little girl like.  Do you like it?  What do you think of it?  Leave me a comment!


For the most part, the weather has been lovely since I've been at home, although I'm reluctant to go out in the sun much, because my skin is awful at the moment and I don't want to do photo-related damage to it.  It's been lovely to come home and relax, and live a slower pace of life for a while.  London just gets a bit much sometimes, what with my living on a main road, with traffic pretty much all the time.  Its proximity to a major station, a major exhibition/concert venue and a football club does not help, and it was good to get away.  I've been giving this exercise lark a go... just trying to tone some of my muscles really.  I've been having a mostly vegetarian diet too.. there is so much fruit at home.  Meat isn't that big of a deal for my family, I think.  I mean, we have it but it's not a staple in every lunch or dinner like some people have.


Read some books, some good, some not so bad.  Whilst I have never seen a 'bad' film, or rather, a film which I have thought was not bad (how do those critics know what I will like, and not like?   They don't know me), books are not so good.  They are often hit and miss.  Finally read 'Reinventing Collapse', which really is a book that everyone should read.  I've attempted to read it about 4 or 5 times in the past, but because it requires a lot of thought and consideration, so this time I made notes.  Like lots of other readers, I've tried to avoid reading this book, mostly because I find it difficult to accept the thought that our standard of living will not always be like this. There will not always be shiny new toys and furniture and consoles and clothes.  I find it hard to accept that what I am doing is harming the environment and damaging the economy.  But the book's main conclusions are that basically, America needs to stop thinking it's the best at everything and stop damaging the world's economy (hey, I am just paraphrasing, not RE-phrasing.  Don't get mad at me for what someone else wrote) and that it can't maintain its lifestyle without thinking to the future.  For America, thinking about the future has come too late, it should have done so ages ago, and not think of Russia/Soviet Union - what do we call it now?  Russia and all the other countries??  Because the SU disbanded in 1991 or something?  (someone help me out?) - as the weaker and therefore lesser superpower.


It was a very thought provoking read.


I've worked in the shop too... There's a boy who comes in sometimes, and every single time he's seen me in the past, he's asked how my studying was going.  I think of him as a career crush, because he used to ask me about uni a LOT.  Now it's become a real crush, which is weird.  Being in a relationship, I am often blissfully unaware of affections from other people, not that I could distinguish them in the first place anyway.  It feels unsettling to have someone hit on me, again, not that I can remember what that is like!  It's sort of annoying how people judge by looks, but I suppose it forms a very important part of first impressions.  But at work, most of the time I'm leaning on the counter doing my difficult Chinese sudoku puzzles - the English paper ones are significantly easier, in comparison to the Chinese ones :/ - and eat a lot.  Or I read about what's going on in the news.


Really want to go and see Prince of Persia.  Except it will be gone from the cinemas by the time I get around to finding people to see it with.  My sister and mother are in the process of tidying up her stuff from uni - it's wanting me want to go back to my flat and tidy it up more, and give stuff to charity.  It's sad that charities are suffering, because of the current economical climate, and many charity shops are forced to close.  I just feel a need to declutter my life, i.e. my room.


I've had some very very weird dreams recently.  I had one a few days ago, most of which I still can vividly see in my mind.  I hope it does not bode negatively for the future.  It's not like I am making any particular effort to remember them: just flashes of them come back to me during the day sometimes.  It's very odd.  I shall write about this dream in a few days, depending how things turn out.


I have also achieved more 'things I want to do before I'm 30'!  Is it sad that that makes me happy?


I hope you have all been well!  I miss seeing my uni friends lots and lots.  There are several birthdays in June/July.  I am seriously considering doing nothing for my birthday.  It's too much effort inviting lots of people you know someplace, when it's your birthday and someone else should be putting in that effort for you so you can enjoy your birthday! (This is NOT a hint!... I said NOT)  I have lectures on my birthday so at least I will see people I know.  There are lots of little things that I want and shall justify their purchase by saying it's for my birthday.  P has been exceedingly thoughtful in the past and bought me several little presents for my birthday, and so that is what I shall do for myself!  It will be my first birthday away from my family though :(


Carol
xoxo