Just got back from hanging out at a friend's house: it was lovely but I think I've had my fill of watching boys playing console games for a little bit.
One of the things I hate most, more than my issues with my weight/image and weight in general... is crying in front of people. I've just had an emotional few days, in more ways than one, and it probably wasn't helped by the fact that things from the past are coming back to remind me of things. There must be like 2 people in the world I would be comfortable shedding tears in front of, family excluded. It's a very vulnerable thing and a very personal thing for me... I dislike feeling sad, and sometimes just need to cry to let my many emotions out. I hate feeling like this and I don't know what to do.
I dislike crying in front of people, or being really vulnerable.. it provokes very odd responses in people, some expected and some not so expected. I used to hide from my boy when I wanted to cry.. I'd just go hide in the bathroom and cry whilst running the taps in the sink so that he couldn't hear.. well, he found me out soon enough :/
Usually when I feel sad, I just wait to let it pass, but this time it feels different. Not like teary eyes, but like, full on tears on cheeks sort of thing. This must be a very soppy and a too emotional post, and I might delete it later if I feel unhappy about it later.
I haven't cried for a few months, and haven't felt the need to. I really really felt like I needed to cry today - I felt really down about a lot of things, some of which were brought up in conversation, and some of which were not. I am not a fan of negative emotion, so again, I ran to the bathroom and cried a bit - it was very cathartic but the issues are all still there. Well, since I was with guys, I didn't think it was appropriate to interrupt their activities and say, I feel sad.
I hate being snappy with people; 99.9% of the time I know I am doing it, and usually it is hormone related. I don't MEAN IT!!!!! A lot of things are now different too much too soon in my life and I think I am reacting to it very badly. One of the things I admire P most of all is his unflappability (is that even a word?) and it is further highlighted by the fact that I react to certain situations in a really bad way, and I thought I'd gotten better at it whilst he was away, so that there would not be such an imbalance upon his return. Well, I was... until today.
So in lieu of his being here, he being the one I share everything, and all my innermost secrets with, I set up a second blog, whose existence is so that I can get my emotion out there somehow, and compartmentalise it somehow and get over it.
I'm having a birthday celebration with a friend on Tuesday, and whilst a part of me likes receiving gifts and the like.. the other and larger part of me is actually grateful for getting gifts. I have never ever ever reacted badly to receiving a gift, and have never faked the feelings I've felt about getting them. It's lovely that people actually go out of their way to go and get something, no matter what it is. Whilst I might not make use of all the gifts I have ever used, I have never given them away, thrown them away, broken them or anything. I keep them all in one place. So I probably could have dealed with that a lot better.. I don't want to make people get the things I want them to get.. that's incredibly selfish and I don't want to be like that anymore (or try to anyway). The spoilt part of me is lesser now, not gone but not dominant... and I hate that I act like that. Sorry :(
I also feel stupidly unattractive for reasons so ludicrous sounding I don't even want to write it here. I dislike direct comparisons to my appearance / weight / etc - it knocks a bit off my self confidence and makes me a bit down. I hate that I still haven't come to terms with my weight issues, but I am not sure anything external can make it any different - it has to come from within.. and it's more than just "... so do it then".. it's some psychological thing :(
:(
Contrary to popular belief, I CAN keep secrets - I can't tell if my friends are being serious or not when they talk about this, but I CAN. I know I've not done so in the past, but that's in the past. What has happened is something I cannot change. But what I CAN change is what happens in the future. Since being told of my secret spilling months ago, I haven't told any secrets that I have been trusted to keep - A told me not to tell anyone something they told me, and true to my word, I have NOT done so. And I keep my own secrets - I do share everything with P, nearly every everything, but there are still some things I keep to myself. I keep his secrets faithfully, I keep some of his opinions secret. And a lot of the secrets I do keep are ones that have ability to change my life in some way, good or bad.
My mum had a big operation a few weeks ago, which I might have talked about?, but she understood that one of the risks was a stroke and/or death. In light of this, she decided to tell me a lot of things over a very short period of time, about my life, about my parents' stories and past and childhood and impart wise words (not all of which I can articulate in English. I can speak Chinese a little bit, enough to get by, and I understand it and again, contrary to popular belief, there are some words I say in Chinese as I don't know the English equivalent). I think it was both recognition of her operation and in recognition that she understood that I have grown up (a little bit) and that I was capable of keeping these secrets and a non verbal sign that she trusted me to keep them for her. It hurts a lot to not be able to be there with her in her post recovery period. There is no feasible time during term time that I can go home for a decent length of time that would make the travelling worthwhile, and the more time I spend away from home, the more I realise just what it means to me.
I need to make a late New Years Resolution. I AM going to be a better person by the time P comes home. "Better" is a very subjective term, but I will know for myself.
I hate crying, and I hate being not enough a big person to be able to handle all of this properly.
I am such a loser.
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